Tag Archive | psychology

What is a Narcissist? The Spiritual Damage & Self Healing When they’re gone! (From a Psychic Perspective)

I have blogged before about Narcissistic Personality Disorder & the psychic effect it has on those around the Narcissist. 

One of the most common problems people face after being involved in any context, with someone who is narcissistic (self centred…remember not everyone with selfish tendencies is classified narcissist but they may share some of the issues and create similar problems…resulting in similar fall out for those around them).

A narcissist is unconscious of the value and autonomy of people around them. In many ways their situation is like that of a child trapped in the “terrible twos” – complete with tantrums, deception and a childish belief that the world revolves around them.

Most grow out of this stage. It is the emergence of the Ego and in many ways the beginning of psychological autonomy. So it’s considered and is a natural growth phase. And beyond it the higher faculties are developed – empathy in particular and the ability to identify with others and to know humility.

In the narcissist something internal or external stunts this growth. Narcissistic brains tend to be highly intelligent and the process of maturation takes longer. It may be that certain stages are bypassed and emotional maturity is never achieved…it may be that being treated as an over achiever during their extended formative years means that those with narcissistic tendencies experience a longer period in which things can go wrong; that nature and nurture combine to inhibit the realisation of objective consciousness.

That’s just a theory. But as an autistic I have always found narcissists a curiosity and a proof that the theory about autistic people lacking empathy is not the case. I can only speak for myself in that and with my family members but early on I seemed to overly empathise. I never had tantrums. I never rebelled. And I think autistics with high functioning either develop so quickly through the ego phase or it’s so insignificant to our sense of reality (which is very abstract generally), we are the psychological opposite of narcissists in many ways.

I certainly feel narcissistic people seem to have a problem with me because their usual manipulations or attention seeking/self validating behaviours don’t exert the desired response from me.

Narcissistic personalities can be covert or overt and the abuse they perpetuate depends much on their type. Coverts can be very controlling and manipulative – mind games, martyr complexes and hyperchondria that means they can assume a victim role throughout life. Overts may be more obvious. Talking over you or verbally abusing you. They may even become physically abusive.

But the real damage is caused by the controlling behaviours however they are expressed. The genuine victim of a narcissist often questions their own sanity and wonders if they are the narcissist. And narcissists encourage that kind of blurring of the edges…where they end and you begin.

This kind of manipulation of reality that leaves you wondering just what you’re seeing and doubting yourself is called “gas lighting” and is a deliberate tactic in control and manipulation. 

Of all abuses I think this gradual undermining of another’s sense of self and sense of reality has the most insidious side effects. It happens so gradually and is common to all narcissistic types and it casts the longest shadow in victims because of its very nature.

Addressing and removing yourself from s situation of physical or verbal abuse is easy to see. The damage done by the gas lighting really isn’t and it’s more prevalent because covert narcissists do the same thing.

Psychically this leaves the victim with the fear that they are the “bad one”; deficient in some way; unprofessional and to blame. A feeling that can take a very long time to move on from because of its nebulous nature.

Remember, the narcissist doesn’t ever stop to wonder if they are at fault. This is the chasm between the narcissist and others. Their sense of entitlement and lack of consciousness and self awareness. For them, it’s a given that the fault is someone else’s so if you are left doubting yourself, you are not the narcissist.

This kind of undermining of the victim creates problems though. Low self esteem. Anxiety. A tendency to over analyse or take on more responsibility in any given situation than is realistic. But worst I think is the sense of unreality. The  victim buys into the narcissist’s view and sacrifices their own and regaining that centering isn’t easy.

On a psychic level this is the real damage of the psychic attack. There are implications on all levels and spiritually it can cause all kinds of ambivalence as the mind swings from idea to idea seeking a truth.

Many clients and students come to me to begin healing this sense of ungroundedness. And energy healing, meditation and certain rituals can certainly help. But it is as if you leave the relationship or connection with an addiction. An addiction to a person or a habit of allowing them to think for you. And that can feel disorientating or terrifying by turns for a long time. It takes time to heal and the first step is acknowledging you are not imagining it.

The psychological damage caused is what we would call a psychic attack and because you’re juggling the other attacks you may not notice it happening.

But despite the nightmare of it, if you choose the right tools to help you through, you can gain great insight into yourself and a unique perspective of the world and of life.

It creates an opportunity where you have to start again because you can’t go back to a point before happened. Starting from scratch with experience and wisdom means you have access to a greater potential happiness than you had in the past. It won’t be easy! But I can personally vouch for the fact that energy work, meditation and magick can make it easier!

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Why Gatsby Always Succeeds…& How You Can Ensure YOU Define Your Life (Before it Defines You)

Enjoying happiness, fulfillment  & success in all areas of your life? No exceptions. Achieving your dreams? Manifesting your goals every time without comprise?

It’s a tall order and I am inspired anew so regularly that I think I may write this blog in a number of parts! It’s a huge subject and considering different elements of the overall philosophy can hugely benefit people in truly living a meaningful life. Staying inspired is a big part of ultimate success.

As a witch and energy healing teacher I am often asked about subjects that boil down to be being related to what I am going to blog about so I have considered and studied widely in this area.  

I think it’s important to emphasise that to practice magick (real magick) and spellcrafting requires a commitment and dedication to the study and understanding of subjective, objective, internal and external factors involved in any  situation. Without that preliminary work, you couldn’t go on create spells at all – let alone ones that work.
An analogy might be – you want to knit a jumper. You know you need wool, needles and a pattern. You get these. A jumper doesn’t manifest itself after you bought them. If you don’t know how to knit or read the pattern you weren’t at a stage of being ready to achieve that. 

You are looking at the result as if the ingredients are magickal in and of themselves. When sometimes the most important thing is to enjoy the journey. Know there is work to do. And decide if you want it enough to put that in. If you don’t, you’re just deluding yourself about what you want.

Many people aspire to spiritual gifts but not everyone will be cut out for the one they think they want to choose. But if you are sure of your “destination”, the fact a jumper didn’t magickally create itself spurs you to learn! The idea of being able to make it inspires you. You don’t see any other way. Because it is what you really want. So you study to get yourself into a position where the yarn, needles and pattern are useful to you. This is not a hardship! It’s exciting. Fun. Part of the journey. 

Many people gather the ingredients…see this jumper doesn’t make itself. Think in a defeatist way that they have failed. Or externalise it and think he system has failed. “It won’t work. I give up.”

Well, if you choose to see challenges as failures you are doomed to create that reality for yourself!

If you say you have failed and give up I am sure you will manage to fail. It’s what you chose! In this sense we literally create out reality. The emotional blow, the financial cost, the physical stress – all come from your unshakeable assertion that somehow you were a victim. You decide in that way that you can’t change your future too…and so the problem compounds itself.

If instead of this you look at the bigger picture…imagine yourself making or wearing the jumper…imagine yourself knitting as you watch TV in the evening and can see how these are things will make you feel good. They are what you want. Your choice changes your “destination”. Your attitude is liable to be very different!  You see you have the ingredients! Excellent! Now you only need the knowhow and skill…you can get them! Fantastic. You take a class, join a club. You practice! You make some scarves and blankets and learn different stitches so you have experience and skill to go with your intention and goal.

It may take time. Maybe years. It will require dedication and practice  to prepare for it, begin it and complete it. But if you choose that destination, you WILL undoubtedly realise it. One day you will be in a position to knit that jumper. You know it. You believe it. You don’t even consider failure as an option! You create your reality.

You may use other techniques to support your efforts. Visualisation. Affirmations about yourself to increase focus and self belief. Or magick to resolve your habit of negativity and self sabotage that’s been hindering you in the past. 

But even through learning these new supportive techniques you will be acquiring tools and developing a state of mind that is resilient and increases your possibilities of success in all areas if your life. 

It’s amazing what a difference to the realisation of your intentions such steps create.

In this Gatsby is a most compelling and inspirational character. He understands the work he needs to do to achieve his goal and sets about it immediately. He lets go of his past or any resistance caused by it in one moment. He becomes unshakeable in his destiny and devotes himself to creating a situation in which he can realise it.

This means he isn’t just Gatsby but truly the Great Gatsby at that point.

You may think the story is a cautionary tale of a narcissist who is so self centred he creates his own world in which he can be who he thinks he should be. Except his motivation for this is love. And all the external superficial storytelling and “self promotion” doesn’t corrupt him. He doesn’t change his personality or motivation. He isn’t swayed by the fact he can have what other people want because his focus remains always on fulfilling his destiny and achieving what he wants. 

That’s what makes him Great.

A lesser person would lose that perspective at some stage. A lesser person would give up. A lesser person would become corrupted and allow the world to define them and thereby lose their integrity. This doesn’t happen to Gatsby!

You may think Gatsby is wrong when he believes he can turn back time if you take it as a literal assertion. I see it differently and believe his is absolutely right! If you consider he believes he can change what happens by choosing the course his life will take than if he hadn’t made that choice and given it his all he is asserting his destiny to fail was false and that he knew that he wouldn’t choose it. He would make the decision. He would never waver.

The film (The Great Gatsby) is so inspiring to me that I listen to soundtrack sometimes to remind me of the positive and (in my opinion) accurate belief that life is what you make it. And only you can choose what you make it.

I even picture Leonardo DiCaprio as Gatsby saying “of course you can” whenever his power to achieve his goals is questioned.

I highly recommend the film! And the book. But even if you’re not into that, I recommend the sentiment…

…define your life…and it will never define you. You cannot lose. You cannot be a victim. You cannot fail. Unless you choose to.

X

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What are Starseeds? I High Functioning Autism | God Touched | Indigo Children | Witches | Lightworkers | Uniqueness & Non-Conformity as Spiritual Ideals

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I was recently asked this on my FB group page. Answering without sounding so kookie people following the page who hadn’t heard the term might think definition meant answering it quite carefully! Some new age ideas are very old ideas but with new “jargon” or extensions of existing beliefs and ideas not new to all religions but somehow “reframed” out of context so they do come over sounding a bit far fetched!

It’s a criticism I have for the “New Age” in general. Lots of ideas without much basis and without any subjective or objective reasoning behind them…let alone citing sources that have existed for thousands of years that say the same thing in different words. I am also guilty of not citing sources. I have a really good memory (part of my aspergers – high functioning autism). But I draw a blank remembering faces. And apparently names too. When I am reading fiction I notice I almost blank names as I read them! So even if I remember the book…the cover…where I was when I read it etc, I won’t have retained the author’s name. My mind seems to consider names very unimportant which is why most people in my life have nicknames I’ve given them. It’s my weird “name blindness”.

Anyway…back to the topic…in answering the question referring to similar or associated ideas the person was likely to know instead of me rambling on with a lot of new age jargon, I feel I explained the concept well.

As a teacher of energy healing, attunement based spiritual development courses and meditation based courses, I am very aware of ensuring my writing is accessible to people who have no previous experience.

Also, I am not running a cult teaching new words for ideas that promote exclusivity…or fudge the details so people don’t realise they are not being told anything. Those are pet hates of mine.

Also, as a teacher I don’t want to alienate people who hold religious beliefs that may be different to mine. I don’t teach religion and I don’t like it when people dress ideas and philosophies as being facts. We can be as objective in our explanations as possible – but even the best articulated philosophical deductions are open to debate. (I do feel my Autism helps me to communicate higher concepts in a more accessible way because I have to do it so much as my normal life experience. It definitely helps rather than hinders my work!).

I promote freedom and empowerment so I won’t dogmatically preach theories as facts. I know some new age writers do this…but I think real understanding is only available when you digest information for yourself.

I may be hypersensitive to it…aware sometimes that a blog is addressed to people with a prior knowledge…I always try to pitch my writing so it’s useful to people without prior knowledge; defining terms sometimes makes all the difference!
Anyway…enough about my motivations for the way I addressed the question! In my own words, the answer goes something like this…

Some people believe in reincarnation. Some believe some of us had previous lives on other planets or stars perhaps in a different dimension not a physical body, but a life or origin that’s not of this earth and possibly not of this plane (dimension).

People who feel that often refer to themselves as “starseeds”.

For me personally, I think it’s very possible other worlds and types of existance are viable in addition to being a humans on earth with some kind of soul that exists beyond our biological reality.

I also do agree with the concept because as I child I recall feeling “homesick”. My Aspergers may have been part of that; some people also believe some “advanced” spiritual beings choose to reincarnate to help others achieve spiritual wholeness and that High Functioning Autism or some types of epilepsy are a part of that.

That’s not a new idea but the term “starseeded” is a new age term for it. They may also use terms like “earth angels”, “indigos” and “crystal children” etc…depending on the current trend in ideas or new ideas about old ideas!

I do feel I lived somewhere else before I came here as a human. And that it wasn’t like this. And I miss it. I think of it as being “homesick for heaven”. But I don’t claim to understand what it was or where it was. I do feel the work I do now in this life was chosen before I came here. And I feel it will continue when I leave (die). But I don’t have proof of that. It’s just something I feel so strongly it feels more real than real to me. And I have since met other people who also remember the “before life”.

Some people would suggest my feelings are born of delusion…failing to grasp that the Asper brain is not prone to delusion or irrationality; they are experiences more common to people whose beliefs are a reaction to their emotions. Rather than someone whose mind is hyper-rational. Our problems in being understood usually come from our capacity to naturally experience and express our experiences in a far more abstract way than our lower-functioning peers.

This capacity for abstract understand is why many High Functioning Autistics display unusually advanced language skills, may be drawn to mathematics and tend to show greater creativity. Not all share the same special skills or special interests. But I have no doubt that the work I do teaching energy healing and my magickal ‘career’ are advanced by my Aspergers in ways people of a neurotypical function wouldn’t experience. I wouldn’t trade my High Functioning brain for one that didn’t see music, feel colours or understand how to reweave karma (spells) the way I do. My work through www.mayastar.netand www.mayamagickal.net absolutely relies on my mind being as it is!

The long and short of it is some people believe people who are born with Higher Functioning Autism or Epilepsy (I have Temporal Lobe Epilepsy) were “god touched” thousands of years ago. That’s the phrase they would have used here centuries ago. And only relatively recently have the insights, perspectives and non-confirmity of people like me been negatively interpreted as a deficiency or fault.

This is beginning to change. With High Functioning Autistics being head hunted for their unique abilities especially in identifying problems quickly or irregularities in (for example) programming scripts that a Neurotypical wouldn’t be able to do so accurately or quickly.

And of course, the New Age has seen a revival in old spiritual and philosophical understandings that our uniqueness is a gift: an extra abilty not a disability!

If you would like to know more, I recently posted a new Whispering Witch Heart to Heart on this topic at: https://youtu.be/Azev7P4aIYM

ASMR General Upd8…family, harp, guitars…and whatever happened to my ex (Wolf)? Narcissistic Personality Disorder? (Answers on a postcard!)

https://youtu.be/Mr5if-kYhnA

Today’s ASMR Whispering Witch Nocturnal Chat…a general catch up (in 4 parts).

A bit about my dad, his cancer and death, my harp (a little bit of singing)…and a general catch up on “Whatever Happened to my Fiancé?” (Answers on a postcard!)

The latter I have recorded several times. Posting up for the sake of continuity & so when I mention I have stuff to sort out…or refer to the mess that was left in 2014, you have an idea of what I am referring to. In a nutshell, Wolf ripped me off. He claims to be mentally ill. Though I have no way to validate that. My own psychology & psychotherapeutic studies would lead me to guess he has narcissistic personality disorder, is delusional and paranoid…perhaps has a serious mental illness. But that is only my personal point of view.

He is certainly a pathological liar, in my experience and by his own admission. As soon as he finished lying to me, he was lying to his family.

The video may give you clues…many red flags you would associate with NPD.

So tonight’s ASMR vlog is a general catch up…with some chat about how I was done up!

I haven’t had time to delete him from my personal FB historical pages & albums as yet. But he is ancient history to me and we certainly won’t remain in touch!

He left two years ago having lied to me for 14 months. Sometimes being aspie really helps you see the facts for what they are.

This only come up recently due to his attempt to contact me. I think perhaps he hoped some kind of reconciliation was possible. If he harboured any hope in that regard I can only say it was inappropriate in the circumstances at the least.

It’s easy to talk about it now, but his deception damn near derailed my life professionally and personally for a while. So I feel strongly about it right now and would definitely advise others to listen to their intuition. If you’re saving mobiles as evidence “just in case”, something is definitely wrong!

ASMR Aspergirl Whispering Witch Nocturnal Chat YouTube Channel | Lightworker | Mayastar Academy | Maya Magickal Spells & Personalised Initiation Programmes

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New YouTube Channel:

www.youtube.annalouisemay.net

ASMR/Quiet Talking bedroom chitchat from the Whispering Witch!

I am an Aspergirl, Blogger, Lightworker & Modern Mystic.

My Aspergers (a type of high functioning autism) means I’m more comfortable using the ASMR “whispered conversation” method. The mutual increased focus this initiates allows for a more intimate communication & natural connection.

My intention is to provide a unique, relaxed & informal style for viewers.

If you are new to ASMR pls give it a chance…at first it may seem odd but it’s a wonderful method of having a heart to heart “vibe”. I also recommend headphones.

I teach online energy healing, meditation & spiritual development courses, so I plan to cover related subjects as well as hobbies, reviews & personal updates.

I hope you will enjoy!

Xxx

ALM (Maya)

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Does Atypical Empathy Dispose One to Violence, Cruelty or Impulsivity? | Narcissism | Autism | Consciousness | Violence | Psychology | Philosophy | Wise Women | Witches | Hikikomori | Hermits | Mystics

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Bathtime blogging – continued pondering on the difference between ego based personalities and non-ego based…

It’s a curiosity to me that people with Narcissistic Personality Disorders…such as sociopathy and psychopathy, are described as of higher than average intelligence – as am I, as a higher functioning autistic. However, I find the explanation proposed as the root their tendency of narcissistic personality types to abusive or selfish behaviours doesn’t sit well with me.

It is proposed to be rooted in a physiological difference in the narcissistic brain which means their higher intellect usually comes with a deficiency in socialisation and that this is specifically expressed as a lack of empathy.

Why do I find this such an insufficient explanation? Because I am autistic. Specifically, I am Aspergers. My IQ is high. My need for social feedback is low and always has been. So why am I not a psychopath?

Autism is often undiagnosed in women because typically they learn to “fake it” better than men. Those are all sweeping generalisations of course but for the purpose of pondering are hopefully sufficient.

This apparent justification of a tendency to cruelty or violence due to a lack of the normal mechanism of empathy doesn’t make sense to me. It really doesn’t. If that was the underlying cause, autism would increase your risk of being psychopathic. But it doesn’t.

Also, after some self analysis, I can confirm that I do have empathy. But I think maybe I learnt it via more intellectual process than neurotypicals do.
I have never had a tendency to violence. I have always had very high principles and my family actually considered me an “authority” on moral issues from a very young age. I can work things out in a dispassionate way even while experiencing the emotions…somehow I experience them from a position of observation. The chances of me doing something impulsive or without self awareness are so remote as to be pretty much impossible for someone like me. So reacting to aggression with aggression doesn’t happen. It is a puzzle to me that some psychopaths can’t do this. And I think it’s rooted in emotional intelligence. It’s the point at which the autistic and the narcissist part ways.

I suppose my reputation as an “ice queen” comes from that seeming impassive view point. It could very look like I have no emotional reaction to emotional situations. Like there is a disconnect. But that’s only how it looks. I know how it feels and can describe it. That trademark autistic “blankness” doesn’t mean I have no empathy or no emotions…but it does mean I am less likely to act out or react impulsively.

It does mean by nature I am a bit of a shut in…a natural hermit. Some Hikikomori are high functioning autistics as well.

The tendency to emotional self reliance seems offensive to some people. But there have always been hermits. “Troubled geniuses”. In the past they were considered the spinsters, midwives, witch doctors, healers…they were sort of revered and feared.  But considered an important part of the human “tribe’; often as a bridge between the world and the metaphysical realith. We even consider witches to typically and traditionally be of this type. Same with mystics. In fact, I am so “normal” as the modern day hermit, I am nocturnal as well – something that was always attributed to people like me historically! Shamans, wild men, wise women, healers, counsellors…I decend “spiritually” from a long line of people who filled a similar place in society.

I tried to explain this to someone once…that my mind works in such an abstract way, that if I wanted to I could reason myself out of existence. That’s what hyper rationale is. It can sometimes look from the outside like people with autism act irrationally or think irrationally…in fact it’s the exact opposite and it can be a problem. Staying grounded is something I have to do consciously. I have to make normal stuff routine otherwise I might reason myself out of doing the things I need to do in order to only do things that use my brain!

I think most people with high functioning autism will naturally develop their own strategies for these things. I can’t spend my life studying and meditating but failing to eat or exercise or put the trash out. But my motivation for doing those things is probably very different to someone who is neurotypical. If I do my accounts properly and organise things properly, it means I don’t have to waste time thinking about things I think are mundane…things that seem “off my radar” in fact!

Anyway. Simply put, my mind works differently – but it’s not a disability to me – it’s more like an extra ability. My life is the way I like it. Those who know me understand me. Those who don’t are off my radar. Those who underestimate me or make assumptions about me tend to find me disturbing to be around!

But why would the increased intelligence, difference in empathy and social needs in Autism and Narcissism that are apparently similar, result in such different personality types?

All I can think is that the Narcissist perpetuates an immature emotional connection to their ego consciousness; they don’t mature emotionally the same way as others.

The Autistic doesn’t either. They seem to either move past it or never have it.

For my own part,  I have never rebelled…I never had tantrums…I never (even as a very small child) saw others as authority figures. The crazy independence was hard for my parents to deal with because it simply wasn’t possible to tell me what to do. Not because I was naughty…but because I really couldn’t be “corrected”.

When I think back, I think managing me would have been easier if they had approached me the way you approach training a dog! Because being told what to do or doing things without a reason or because the consequence was being told off weren’t deterrents to me!

I think Narcissistic personality types may seem to act similarly at times, but their motivation is so far alien to me, I don’t understand why they would be violent. It seems utterly nonsensical to me.

This has led me to conclude that perhaps the autistic spectrum and the narcissistic spectrum reflect the two sides of everyone’s mind. My autism puts me at one extreme…a psychopath is at the other end. I think maybe the less autistic you are, the more narcissistic you are. And there is a range we consider “normal” somewhere between the two.

More pondering required I think!

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Can a Narcissistic Mind Evolve a Conscience through Intellectualised Re-Framing of Life Experiences? | Consciousness | Narcissism | Higher Faculties | Love | Forgiveness | Judgement | Autism

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Bathtime Blogging…I am pondering a number of things at the moment. It began after my dad died…having aspergers seemed to allow me subjective and objective experience of his illness, his death, my own grief and the various ways of expressing grief that came to people around me that set me pondering…

Can a Narcissistic Mind Evolve a Conscience through Intellectualised Re-Framing of Life Experiences?

I don’t think anybody is better at life than others. All people are individual. Their potential is variable. So I don’t make observations to judge in any way, but literally as an observation. My asper brain intellectualises things and looks at the logic as if it’s a puzzle with a solution and not just a puzzle. So in articulating my considerations, I hope that they may set you pondering too!

The beginning of this train of thought was really initiated as I contemplated the different way in which I experience empathy as an Aspergirl compared to the experience of those around me. In the back of my mind was a concern that maybe I wouldn’t experience things “properly”.

When someone dies of cancer you get a warning. You take a journey with them. My dad had a very fast growing brain tumour. He lived 5 months after diagnosis. And that was WITH chemo slowing the tumour. The tumour was inoperable. It was the type that would have spread even if it could be slowed with radiotherapy and chemo. But even a non malignant brain tumour is fatal if it’s inoperable. So there was a journey of weeks for the diagnosis and then months of treatment. I am sure dad would have made the same decision about the chemo etc even if they had known it would only give him months…months instead of weeks. But even with a warning,  these things feel like they happen too quickly.

My dad had home hospice care and I saw him every day throughout. That was a good thing. I didn’t realise my mind was learning to accept the inevitable…I even wondered if my mind, specifically because of my autism, was able to accept it more easily because I couldn’t take any of it personally. And that’s where my questions began…would I experience death with my form of atypical empathy or was I at risk of being TOO rational.

I also considered perhaps my spiritual beliefs and the fact I could give healing to someone who was dying (Reiki and Violet Flame – both of which I teach through Mayastar). Did that give me a sense of being able to help someone to die peacefully, rather than react as if situation was all wrong and death was unnatural?

I continued to mull these things over. Looking at different personality types and considering their limitations, experiences and unique qualities.

I came away from this with the understanding that we all have a level of higher function (the ability to be objective and self aware), and we all have an ego. And both of these are present at different levels in different people…and they change over time. But how much can they change?

The ego doesn’t have the capacity for objectivity or self awareness. The ego really is the inner narcissist. It doesn’t develop emotionally beyond childish fears and tantrums. It demands external validation. And I think in people where one or other (subjective or objective mind) is dominant, they are “atypical”. Most people experience both to a degree and most people consciously continue to strive for a more objective understanding of their experiences as life goes on.

I think this shows up increasingly as people age. If they don’t move past their ego, they tend towards bitter. Sometimes almost paranoid. But generally they become antisocial as time goes on. In people we consider well adjusted, they balance this tendency to selfishness with an increased capacity for objective understanding – whether they pursue this consciously or it happens naturally probably depends on how balanced they were to begin with. These people seem to “mellow with age” and they are less likely to take on other people’s issues as personal or to consider life events as being “bad” or “wrong”. The exact opposite of the ego which takes everything personally.

Now, my autism may mean if anything I have a tendency to over rationalise – to the extent that some people find me kind of weird. Sometimes presenting a kind of blank slate. Often asking questions that some find intrusive. People who lie or who have a tend towards a narcissistic personality often take a dislike to people like me because we don’t provide them with the external validation or feedback they need. And we very well may ask them outright why their behaviour is as it is and they very well may not have the answers!

I don’t think you have to be autistic to run into this. Those people who persist in ego consciousness seem to “clash” with people a lot! They seem to ostracise themselves. Although I find this observation interesting, I find it hard to imagine how hard getting by in life must be if you are dependent on others to reinforce your sense of self…all the while feeling that you are entitled to that kind of attention. It’s almost like an addiction and I think the capacity of people whose ego is dominant (not to the extent of being classifiable as a narcissist but just more ego centred than the average person) must live on their nerves. Their capacity for experience of higher emotions like love; their capacity to forgive; their capacity for altruism; their capacity for feeling ok with themselves in many ways, is compromised. Their fear of not being accepted or of being judged is heightened. They may seem selfish and rude and arrogant…but scratch the surface and you find it’s all surface! The ego’s reasoned response to a question like “why do you feel a need to be rude to other people” is either going to begin “because they….” or “because I do”.

It’s led me to consider…without any answer…is it possible for a psychopath, sociopath or narcissist (all ego based personalities), to evolve beyond that selfish view point? To overcome the illusion of their own importance the ego insists upon? To develop a level of emotional maturity even without the normal capacity for empathy? Is it possible for a serial killer (as an extreme example), to feel true remorse? Genuinely and not just theoretically? (And I mean remorse…not regret!) Is it possible for extreme narcissistic personalities to learn to feel genuine remorse by reframing life experiences as an entirely intellectual process?

I really don’t know. But if you observe the reaction of people to serious life events…you can see they tend to swing between ego and higher function and find some balance. It’s normal for people to go through phases as they balance out.

I know there are people close to me who want to avenge me for things that have happened to me in the recent and distant past. They don’t think I should forgive. And sometimes I find it hard to explain…I haven’t forgiven in any real sense. Meaning, I haven’t set out to. But naturally over time have ceased to consider some things less and less important, until I naturally have “evolved” to a state of forgiveness. I think most people probably do this.

I personally can’t see the point of holding grudges against people I think are unworthy of them because I outgrew my connection to that person. They stayed as they were and I moved on. For me to blame them or be annoyed would be like being angry with a puppy for peeing on the new rug. It’s a puppy. I can’t reason with it “on a level”. And no matter how annoyed I am, it won’t make the puppy become human, apologise, clean the carpet and be like me. We can’t carry grudges or hold onto anger just because other people aren’t the same as us. Well, most of us would agree on that. The more narcissistic types probably wouldn’t. It’s very immature but the ego does think other people should be like we are otherwise any problems are their fault and they cause our problems. It sounds o absurd written down that I think evwn a narcissist would deny that train of thought. But their behaviour betrays them!

People who have caused me harm deliberately…abusive people and violent people; and one I would classify as a narcissist but could equally have a serious and untreated mood disorder. In fact the person in question claimed to have an undiagnosed mood disorder. But I think that was to justify their erratic behaviour or maybe even just to make themselves seem important! In fact their anger, compulsive lying and paranoia was classic for a narcissistic personality type and not for someone with clinical depression or bipolar disorder! They also claimed to be seeing a psychotherapist about their rage…and that was a verifiable lie. You can tell if a narcissist is lying by whether they are speaking or not!

Anyway, that is only my observation. I can’t diagnose those things and whatever their problem was, there’s nothing I can do about it and I wouldn’t be involved with someone like them. But because of their extremely strange and malicious behaviour, I do have to conclude that there’s no way I can take their issues personally; they have a problem. I can see how some people would find it hard not to take another person’s issues personally. Especially given the personal nature of some of the behaviour. So I can see that from the outside it looks so bad to other people that some feel there should be some kind of justice meted out…

I believe it is though. I don’t believe I need to be judge, jury or executioner for someone whose own personality is the bane of their existence. Karma is a component…but suffering from their own personality is also a punishment to them. They are their own worst enemies in many ways. Their lives are significantly diminished because of the way they think.

It may help that I can use magick in such situations to prevent being held back from sorting myself out by negative thoughts, intentions or actions. It’s such a common situation for the more emotionally mature that reversal spells form a very large part my ritual work for others (www.mayamagickal.net). I do consider that on a spiritual level, the destructive tendencies and negative intentions are akin to a intentional psychic attack and magick is a way to prevent you being caught up and unable to move forward. The immaturity of the ego leaves some volatile personality types with a kind of “emotional incontinence” that, I believe, causes harm and hindrance to victims of abusive relationships on an energetic level.

But after weighing up my personal experience and observations, the question remains after all my pondering: Can a narcissist learn to feel through an intellectualised process?

Perhaps my autism gives me a simplistic view and I am really not “getting it” – but it does seem to me that technically it should be possible. We all have two sides…and most people change as they become older and more experienced. Perhaps a lot of choices have to be made and perhaps we need an ideal to grow towards. So perhaps the narcissist falls at the first hurdle by not having the capacity to entertain an ideal! But, I still think technically it’s possible because we all have narcissistic qualities…and usually we do outgrow them. I’ve yet to observe a narcissist develop a conscience…but I do think technically it’s possible. Just very unlikely!

So endeth my bathtime blog of the day! Xxx

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