Tag Archive | aspie

Oops! While making a vid about Henna, I had a seizure! If you are curious what a TLE seizure may look like…please check it out! (I haven’t seen myself have one either – so it was interesting for me too!)

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Unusual mini vid tonight!

I have temporal lobe epilepsy (TLE).

I was referred for brain scans and tests and prescribed drugs after having a few grand mal/tonic clonic seizures. But found out I had many petit mal partial seizures.

They can affect me in different ways but don’t appear seizure like to anyone watching. I lose my ability to understand what I see. Or I lose my short term memory. Mostly. Or those are the ones I notice.

But due to a v negative effect to an SSRI prescribed during a career change ( which clashes with the autistically wired brain and made me insane! Almost literally), in 2009 I saw my neurologist and said I would like to go drug free because of the mid to long term side effects of drug treatment.

He agreed with me…and we had a long conversation about philosophy where he recommended I read 7 years in Tibet and I recommended he read the Bhagavhad Gita (seriously…there is something about aspers that’s refreshing to those who think spiritually or philosophically…I never expect to have a conversation about it but people feel they can talk on a level with me!).

Anyway. I’m tired tonight and worked a long day so I was busy telling my viewers about my henna mix (hair dye), when my TLE struck. It happens when I rush or when I relax. Light, noise and reading can aggravate it. So I take care to minimise risks. I take valerian root and wind down for a few hours before bed. Wear sunglasses in the bedroom etc.

But fluke of flukes,  just had one when I was recording. This is interesting to me. I notice my hand goes to my head like it hurts. It doesn’t hurt. It feels like white noise explosion in the brain. But I don’t fall, I don’t slur, I don’t forget what I am saying even though I go off at a tangent. Most importantly, if I hadn’t told the viewers I was having one, you wouldn’t have known.

Which is why until I had a big seizure, no one knew I had epilepsy!

Listening back to it, I do notice I pause between words increasingly before I have the seizure. And in this tired state, I move my head a lot as if focusing my eyes is uncomfortable. Which it is. And which is usually my cue for a Hepburn treatment (oversized sunglasses indoors).

I am going to post this for epilepsy awareness. Epilepsy doesn’t carry the stignma it once did. For some reason people with aspergers are more likely than average to have epilepsy. Also, sometimes people grow in and out of it.

My autism and epilepsy would be considered disabilities by some. I don’t feel that way about them. Some people have stinky feet and cake addictions…far more debilitating! Also allergies…much worse. So I don’t consider my autism or my epilepsy as disability. Some people have bad manners…surely, that’s worse!

So, I am posting this up with the seizure included for people who don’t know about epilepsy (or henna). Not all epilepsy is grand mal seizures with thrashing about and blue lips. And not all petit mal seizures are the same! I can talk when mine happen but usually can’t see!

I could write more…but I don’t want to write a medical journal article. I just thought maybe it would be informative. If I have never seen myself have a partial seizure before, I expect most people haven’t seen me have one. So it’s sort of interesting…but also may help you understand a bit more about epilepsy in general.

Plus…anything about natural beauty products like henna powder and coconut oil are interesting in a whole different way! So there’s something for everyone!

And also, now you know why I wear sunglasses in the house at night. I am of course, that cool! But they serve a function too!

ASMR Aspergirl Whispering Witch Nocturnal Chat YouTube Channel | Lightworker | Mayastar Academy | Maya Magickal Spells & Personalised Initiation Programmes

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New YouTube Channel:

www.youtube.annalouisemay.net

ASMR/Quiet Talking bedroom chitchat from the Whispering Witch!

I am an Aspergirl, Blogger, Lightworker & Modern Mystic.

My Aspergers (a type of high functioning autism) means I’m more comfortable using the ASMR “whispered conversation” method. The mutual increased focus this initiates allows for a more intimate communication & natural connection.

My intention is to provide a unique, relaxed & informal style for viewers.

If you are new to ASMR pls give it a chance…at first it may seem odd but it’s a wonderful method of having a heart to heart “vibe”. I also recommend headphones.

I teach online energy healing, meditation & spiritual development courses, so I plan to cover related subjects as well as hobbies, reviews & personal updates.

I hope you will enjoy!

Xxx

ALM (Maya)

http://www.mayastar.net
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Watch “Testing Camera for ASMR/Quiet Talking | Whispering Witch | Bedroom Chitchat | Aspergirl” on YouTube

https://youtu.be/6bQjRePv768

Testing Camera for #ASMR/#QuietTalking | #Whispering #Witch | Bedroom Chitchat | #Aspergirl. First upload –  short test of my new camera for ASMR suitability. Fab because I can upload straight to #YouTube from the camera! Not the best angle…and I was plainly knackered by the time of the test! But overall was pleased with the sound quality 😀 ♡

Pls visit…like, share, comment & follow my channel! Xx

Anna Louise May (Maya) | Mystic Muse & Artist

Bathtime Blogger | Pre-Raphaelite | Hippie | Boho Princess | Ballet Dancer | Vegan | Psychoanalyst | Aspergirl | TLE | Indigo Child | Mixed Media Artist | Muse & Model | Poet | Spiritual Facilitator | High Priestess & Witch Queen | Chaote | Reiki Master

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AnnaLouiseMay YouTube Channel | Vlogs, Blogs, Streams of Consciousness | ASMR | Aspergirl | Magick | New Age | Energy Healing | Natural Beauty | Health & Happiness

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Fancy picsart selfie – epic Bathtime!

Green moodlights & Lush Guardian of the Forest BathBomb. Listening to Lana Del Rey. Smell v vanilla (American Cream conditioner).

Drinking greendrink with apple cider vinegar & maplesyrup.

My pookie (aka Elvis) out tonight doing TeddyBoy stuff. I’m in, and taking my routine at a decadent pace!

I have mentioned before, sometimes I have real problems editing my blogs. Apparently this is not uncommon with Higher Functioning Autism…my brain jumps from idea to idea…and touch typing means most blogs I intend as articles end up more of a stream of consciousness. Covering too many topics and ending up a bit of mess! Some are fine. But some I am not at all pleased with. So, as far as blogging goes, I’m still “developing my style”.

My blogs are intended to be informal rather than scientific articles. Just blogs about things that interest me. General updates in my personal life. Ponderings on the philosophy of magick (as a path to Self-Realisation) and psychology.

Many blogs are inspired by questions from students and clients of Maya Magickal Spells & Personalised Initiation Programmes and Mayastar Academy Online Natural Energy Healing & Spiritual Development Courses – but at the same time, I include articles about my hobbies…so it is a bit varied. A blog about how I get “grunge hair” without using heat or styling products; a review of a mineral powder foundation; how I mix my henna for an easier rinse etc. It’s intended to personal…but also informative. I think in the main it appeals to peoole who are a bit like me and share my interests or hobbies.

So I hope my blog is useful and people enjoy it. But I do see there needs to be some change with my editing failure. Bear with me – I’m sure I will strike a balance at some point!

However, since I uploaded my first YouTube video at Christmas (because my nephew pressed record when I tried to get a nice family photo)…I have been wondering if maybe vlogging could be more suitable for some of my blogs. Possibly even make some things more accessible.

At first I thought I wouldn’t have the confidence to be able to do it. So, I have mulled it over a lot. Considering how I could approach it. What would feel right. And how it might be received.

My aspergers also means I sometimes don’t speak…or I speak quietly. And that was a concern – would vlogging mean the stream of consciousness style was a problem with videos too? Would I feel it was too personal or intrusive as well.

I have been working with ASMR quiet speaking in my magickal work for a long time. I even choreographed some silent rituals or rituals that only have chants. And it’s worked very well for me. And because I am nocturnal I find by nature, I tend to whisper a lot as a way of naturally winding down at bedtime after my meditation work is finished.

So it’s that habit that gave me the idea for the format I would like to work with.

I really have no idea if it would be interesting to other people. I know I’m not the only ASMR fan out there but I am not planning random brushing sounds or hypnotic role play style vids. My plan was to use part of my day to record a “chat”. And to keep it varied and informative and informal. Relaxing and with relaxing background sounds etc.

I’m intending the format to work for me and viewers. But the channel to be a new way to share information that I haven’t tried before. It may even work well as a way to talk about subjects I intend to blog about later – a way to help me to avoid my stream of consciousness blog problem!

I know trolling on YouTube can be pretty bad…but definitely trolls a minority. Just a small minority with a big mouth! So I may get some negative feedback. That isn’t a problem. Constructive criticism is useful.
.destructive criticism is something I ignore. And the only way to see if it works will be to bite the bullet and try it!

I tried a few sample recordings and realised the mic on my mobile is not sufficient…too much hiss which would be problem with the quiet speaking/whispering style. Though I will upload one from my phone because I would like to see the difference in quality with my (brand spanking new) camcorder!

It took a while to find one that has an audio input. But for the style I want to use, it’s going to be essential.

Also the camera I chose is small and has a built in stand. Which will help keep my vids informal. A bit of the vibe of a personal chat. Hoping if people like the style and the content, it will be a fantastically useful way to share info and ideas.

So…watch this space!

Anna Louise May (Maya) | Mystic Muse & Artist

Bathtime Blogger | Pre-Raphaelite | Hippie | Boho Princess | Ballet Dancer | Vegan | Psychoanalyst | Aspergirl | TLE | Indigo Child | Mixed Media Artist | Muse & Model | Poet | Spiritual Facilitator | High Priestess & Witch Queen | Chaote | Reiki Master

Mayastar Academy Online Natural Energy Healing & Spiritual Development Courses | Magickal Initiation | SpellCasting | Psychic Readings

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Please follow, share, comment & enjoy ♡

Does Atypical Empathy Dispose One to Violence, Cruelty or Impulsivity? | Narcissism | Autism | Consciousness | Violence | Psychology | Philosophy | Wise Women | Witches | Hikikomori | Hermits | Mystics

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Bathtime blogging – continued pondering on the difference between ego based personalities and non-ego based…

It’s a curiosity to me that people with Narcissistic Personality Disorders…such as sociopathy and psychopathy, are described as of higher than average intelligence – as am I, as a higher functioning autistic. However, I find the explanation proposed as the root their tendency of narcissistic personality types to abusive or selfish behaviours doesn’t sit well with me.

It is proposed to be rooted in a physiological difference in the narcissistic brain which means their higher intellect usually comes with a deficiency in socialisation and that this is specifically expressed as a lack of empathy.

Why do I find this such an insufficient explanation? Because I am autistic. Specifically, I am Aspergers. My IQ is high. My need for social feedback is low and always has been. So why am I not a psychopath?

Autism is often undiagnosed in women because typically they learn to “fake it” better than men. Those are all sweeping generalisations of course but for the purpose of pondering are hopefully sufficient.

This apparent justification of a tendency to cruelty or violence due to a lack of the normal mechanism of empathy doesn’t make sense to me. It really doesn’t. If that was the underlying cause, autism would increase your risk of being psychopathic. But it doesn’t.

Also, after some self analysis, I can confirm that I do have empathy. But I think maybe I learnt it via more intellectual process than neurotypicals do.
I have never had a tendency to violence. I have always had very high principles and my family actually considered me an “authority” on moral issues from a very young age. I can work things out in a dispassionate way even while experiencing the emotions…somehow I experience them from a position of observation. The chances of me doing something impulsive or without self awareness are so remote as to be pretty much impossible for someone like me. So reacting to aggression with aggression doesn’t happen. It is a puzzle to me that some psychopaths can’t do this. And I think it’s rooted in emotional intelligence. It’s the point at which the autistic and the narcissist part ways.

I suppose my reputation as an “ice queen” comes from that seeming impassive view point. It could very look like I have no emotional reaction to emotional situations. Like there is a disconnect. But that’s only how it looks. I know how it feels and can describe it. That trademark autistic “blankness” doesn’t mean I have no empathy or no emotions…but it does mean I am less likely to act out or react impulsively.

It does mean by nature I am a bit of a shut in…a natural hermit. Some Hikikomori are high functioning autistics as well.

The tendency to emotional self reliance seems offensive to some people. But there have always been hermits. “Troubled geniuses”. In the past they were considered the spinsters, midwives, witch doctors, healers…they were sort of revered and feared.  But considered an important part of the human “tribe’; often as a bridge between the world and the metaphysical realith. We even consider witches to typically and traditionally be of this type. Same with mystics. In fact, I am so “normal” as the modern day hermit, I am nocturnal as well – something that was always attributed to people like me historically! Shamans, wild men, wise women, healers, counsellors…I decend “spiritually” from a long line of people who filled a similar place in society.

I tried to explain this to someone once…that my mind works in such an abstract way, that if I wanted to I could reason myself out of existence. That’s what hyper rationale is. It can sometimes look from the outside like people with autism act irrationally or think irrationally…in fact it’s the exact opposite and it can be a problem. Staying grounded is something I have to do consciously. I have to make normal stuff routine otherwise I might reason myself out of doing the things I need to do in order to only do things that use my brain!

I think most people with high functioning autism will naturally develop their own strategies for these things. I can’t spend my life studying and meditating but failing to eat or exercise or put the trash out. But my motivation for doing those things is probably very different to someone who is neurotypical. If I do my accounts properly and organise things properly, it means I don’t have to waste time thinking about things I think are mundane…things that seem “off my radar” in fact!

Anyway. Simply put, my mind works differently – but it’s not a disability to me – it’s more like an extra ability. My life is the way I like it. Those who know me understand me. Those who don’t are off my radar. Those who underestimate me or make assumptions about me tend to find me disturbing to be around!

But why would the increased intelligence, difference in empathy and social needs in Autism and Narcissism that are apparently similar, result in such different personality types?

All I can think is that the Narcissist perpetuates an immature emotional connection to their ego consciousness; they don’t mature emotionally the same way as others.

The Autistic doesn’t either. They seem to either move past it or never have it.

For my own part,  I have never rebelled…I never had tantrums…I never (even as a very small child) saw others as authority figures. The crazy independence was hard for my parents to deal with because it simply wasn’t possible to tell me what to do. Not because I was naughty…but because I really couldn’t be “corrected”.

When I think back, I think managing me would have been easier if they had approached me the way you approach training a dog! Because being told what to do or doing things without a reason or because the consequence was being told off weren’t deterrents to me!

I think Narcissistic personality types may seem to act similarly at times, but their motivation is so far alien to me, I don’t understand why they would be violent. It seems utterly nonsensical to me.

This has led me to conclude that perhaps the autistic spectrum and the narcissistic spectrum reflect the two sides of everyone’s mind. My autism puts me at one extreme…a psychopath is at the other end. I think maybe the less autistic you are, the more narcissistic you are. And there is a range we consider “normal” somewhere between the two.

More pondering required I think!

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Can a Narcissistic Mind Evolve a Conscience through Intellectualised Re-Framing of Life Experiences? | Consciousness | Narcissism | Higher Faculties | Love | Forgiveness | Judgement | Autism

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Bathtime Blogging…I am pondering a number of things at the moment. It began after my dad died…having aspergers seemed to allow me subjective and objective experience of his illness, his death, my own grief and the various ways of expressing grief that came to people around me that set me pondering…

Can a Narcissistic Mind Evolve a Conscience through Intellectualised Re-Framing of Life Experiences?

I don’t think anybody is better at life than others. All people are individual. Their potential is variable. So I don’t make observations to judge in any way, but literally as an observation. My asper brain intellectualises things and looks at the logic as if it’s a puzzle with a solution and not just a puzzle. So in articulating my considerations, I hope that they may set you pondering too!

The beginning of this train of thought was really initiated as I contemplated the different way in which I experience empathy as an Aspergirl compared to the experience of those around me. In the back of my mind was a concern that maybe I wouldn’t experience things “properly”.

When someone dies of cancer you get a warning. You take a journey with them. My dad had a very fast growing brain tumour. He lived 5 months after diagnosis. And that was WITH chemo slowing the tumour. The tumour was inoperable. It was the type that would have spread even if it could be slowed with radiotherapy and chemo. But even a non malignant brain tumour is fatal if it’s inoperable. So there was a journey of weeks for the diagnosis and then months of treatment. I am sure dad would have made the same decision about the chemo etc even if they had known it would only give him months…months instead of weeks. But even with a warning,  these things feel like they happen too quickly.

My dad had home hospice care and I saw him every day throughout. That was a good thing. I didn’t realise my mind was learning to accept the inevitable…I even wondered if my mind, specifically because of my autism, was able to accept it more easily because I couldn’t take any of it personally. And that’s where my questions began…would I experience death with my form of atypical empathy or was I at risk of being TOO rational.

I also considered perhaps my spiritual beliefs and the fact I could give healing to someone who was dying (Reiki and Violet Flame – both of which I teach through Mayastar). Did that give me a sense of being able to help someone to die peacefully, rather than react as if situation was all wrong and death was unnatural?

I continued to mull these things over. Looking at different personality types and considering their limitations, experiences and unique qualities.

I came away from this with the understanding that we all have a level of higher function (the ability to be objective and self aware), and we all have an ego. And both of these are present at different levels in different people…and they change over time. But how much can they change?

The ego doesn’t have the capacity for objectivity or self awareness. The ego really is the inner narcissist. It doesn’t develop emotionally beyond childish fears and tantrums. It demands external validation. And I think in people where one or other (subjective or objective mind) is dominant, they are “atypical”. Most people experience both to a degree and most people consciously continue to strive for a more objective understanding of their experiences as life goes on.

I think this shows up increasingly as people age. If they don’t move past their ego, they tend towards bitter. Sometimes almost paranoid. But generally they become antisocial as time goes on. In people we consider well adjusted, they balance this tendency to selfishness with an increased capacity for objective understanding – whether they pursue this consciously or it happens naturally probably depends on how balanced they were to begin with. These people seem to “mellow with age” and they are less likely to take on other people’s issues as personal or to consider life events as being “bad” or “wrong”. The exact opposite of the ego which takes everything personally.

Now, my autism may mean if anything I have a tendency to over rationalise – to the extent that some people find me kind of weird. Sometimes presenting a kind of blank slate. Often asking questions that some find intrusive. People who lie or who have a tend towards a narcissistic personality often take a dislike to people like me because we don’t provide them with the external validation or feedback they need. And we very well may ask them outright why their behaviour is as it is and they very well may not have the answers!

I don’t think you have to be autistic to run into this. Those people who persist in ego consciousness seem to “clash” with people a lot! They seem to ostracise themselves. Although I find this observation interesting, I find it hard to imagine how hard getting by in life must be if you are dependent on others to reinforce your sense of self…all the while feeling that you are entitled to that kind of attention. It’s almost like an addiction and I think the capacity of people whose ego is dominant (not to the extent of being classifiable as a narcissist but just more ego centred than the average person) must live on their nerves. Their capacity for experience of higher emotions like love; their capacity to forgive; their capacity for altruism; their capacity for feeling ok with themselves in many ways, is compromised. Their fear of not being accepted or of being judged is heightened. They may seem selfish and rude and arrogant…but scratch the surface and you find it’s all surface! The ego’s reasoned response to a question like “why do you feel a need to be rude to other people” is either going to begin “because they….” or “because I do”.

It’s led me to consider…without any answer…is it possible for a psychopath, sociopath or narcissist (all ego based personalities), to evolve beyond that selfish view point? To overcome the illusion of their own importance the ego insists upon? To develop a level of emotional maturity even without the normal capacity for empathy? Is it possible for a serial killer (as an extreme example), to feel true remorse? Genuinely and not just theoretically? (And I mean remorse…not regret!) Is it possible for extreme narcissistic personalities to learn to feel genuine remorse by reframing life experiences as an entirely intellectual process?

I really don’t know. But if you observe the reaction of people to serious life events…you can see they tend to swing between ego and higher function and find some balance. It’s normal for people to go through phases as they balance out.

I know there are people close to me who want to avenge me for things that have happened to me in the recent and distant past. They don’t think I should forgive. And sometimes I find it hard to explain…I haven’t forgiven in any real sense. Meaning, I haven’t set out to. But naturally over time have ceased to consider some things less and less important, until I naturally have “evolved” to a state of forgiveness. I think most people probably do this.

I personally can’t see the point of holding grudges against people I think are unworthy of them because I outgrew my connection to that person. They stayed as they were and I moved on. For me to blame them or be annoyed would be like being angry with a puppy for peeing on the new rug. It’s a puppy. I can’t reason with it “on a level”. And no matter how annoyed I am, it won’t make the puppy become human, apologise, clean the carpet and be like me. We can’t carry grudges or hold onto anger just because other people aren’t the same as us. Well, most of us would agree on that. The more narcissistic types probably wouldn’t. It’s very immature but the ego does think other people should be like we are otherwise any problems are their fault and they cause our problems. It sounds o absurd written down that I think evwn a narcissist would deny that train of thought. But their behaviour betrays them!

People who have caused me harm deliberately…abusive people and violent people; and one I would classify as a narcissist but could equally have a serious and untreated mood disorder. In fact the person in question claimed to have an undiagnosed mood disorder. But I think that was to justify their erratic behaviour or maybe even just to make themselves seem important! In fact their anger, compulsive lying and paranoia was classic for a narcissistic personality type and not for someone with clinical depression or bipolar disorder! They also claimed to be seeing a psychotherapist about their rage…and that was a verifiable lie. You can tell if a narcissist is lying by whether they are speaking or not!

Anyway, that is only my observation. I can’t diagnose those things and whatever their problem was, there’s nothing I can do about it and I wouldn’t be involved with someone like them. But because of their extremely strange and malicious behaviour, I do have to conclude that there’s no way I can take their issues personally; they have a problem. I can see how some people would find it hard not to take another person’s issues personally. Especially given the personal nature of some of the behaviour. So I can see that from the outside it looks so bad to other people that some feel there should be some kind of justice meted out…

I believe it is though. I don’t believe I need to be judge, jury or executioner for someone whose own personality is the bane of their existence. Karma is a component…but suffering from their own personality is also a punishment to them. They are their own worst enemies in many ways. Their lives are significantly diminished because of the way they think.

It may help that I can use magick in such situations to prevent being held back from sorting myself out by negative thoughts, intentions or actions. It’s such a common situation for the more emotionally mature that reversal spells form a very large part my ritual work for others (www.mayamagickal.net). I do consider that on a spiritual level, the destructive tendencies and negative intentions are akin to a intentional psychic attack and magick is a way to prevent you being caught up and unable to move forward. The immaturity of the ego leaves some volatile personality types with a kind of “emotional incontinence” that, I believe, causes harm and hindrance to victims of abusive relationships on an energetic level.

But after weighing up my personal experience and observations, the question remains after all my pondering: Can a narcissist learn to feel through an intellectualised process?

Perhaps my autism gives me a simplistic view and I am really not “getting it” – but it does seem to me that technically it should be possible. We all have two sides…and most people change as they become older and more experienced. Perhaps a lot of choices have to be made and perhaps we need an ideal to grow towards. So perhaps the narcissist falls at the first hurdle by not having the capacity to entertain an ideal! But, I still think technically it’s possible because we all have narcissistic qualities…and usually we do outgrow them. I’ve yet to observe a narcissist develop a conscience…but I do think technically it’s possible. Just very unlikely!

So endeth my bathtime blog of the day! Xxx

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