Tag Archive | anti-social personality disorder

What is a Narcissist? The Spiritual Damage & Self Healing When they’re gone! (From a Psychic Perspective)

I have blogged before about Narcissistic Personality Disorder & the psychic effect it has on those around the Narcissist. 

One of the most common problems people face after being involved in any context, with someone who is narcissistic (self centred…remember not everyone with selfish tendencies is classified narcissist but they may share some of the issues and create similar problems…resulting in similar fall out for those around them).

A narcissist is unconscious of the value and autonomy of people around them. In many ways their situation is like that of a child trapped in the “terrible twos” – complete with tantrums, deception and a childish belief that the world revolves around them.

Most grow out of this stage. It is the emergence of the Ego and in many ways the beginning of psychological autonomy. So it’s considered and is a natural growth phase. And beyond it the higher faculties are developed – empathy in particular and the ability to identify with others and to know humility.

In the narcissist something internal or external stunts this growth. Narcissistic brains tend to be highly intelligent and the process of maturation takes longer. It may be that certain stages are bypassed and emotional maturity is never achieved…it may be that being treated as an over achiever during their extended formative years means that those with narcissistic tendencies experience a longer period in which things can go wrong; that nature and nurture combine to inhibit the realisation of objective consciousness.

That’s just a theory. But as an autistic I have always found narcissists a curiosity and a proof that the theory about autistic people lacking empathy is not the case. I can only speak for myself in that and with my family members but early on I seemed to overly empathise. I never had tantrums. I never rebelled. And I think autistics with high functioning either develop so quickly through the ego phase or it’s so insignificant to our sense of reality (which is very abstract generally), we are the psychological opposite of narcissists in many ways.

I certainly feel narcissistic people seem to have a problem with me because their usual manipulations or attention seeking/self validating behaviours don’t exert the desired response from me.

Narcissistic personalities can be covert or overt and the abuse they perpetuate depends much on their type. Coverts can be very controlling and manipulative – mind games, martyr complexes and hyperchondria that means they can assume a victim role throughout life. Overts may be more obvious. Talking over you or verbally abusing you. They may even become physically abusive.

But the real damage is caused by the controlling behaviours however they are expressed. The genuine victim of a narcissist often questions their own sanity and wonders if they are the narcissist. And narcissists encourage that kind of blurring of the edges…where they end and you begin.

This kind of manipulation of reality that leaves you wondering just what you’re seeing and doubting yourself is called “gas lighting” and is a deliberate tactic in control and manipulation. 

Of all abuses I think this gradual undermining of another’s sense of self and sense of reality has the most insidious side effects. It happens so gradually and is common to all narcissistic types and it casts the longest shadow in victims because of its very nature.

Addressing and removing yourself from s situation of physical or verbal abuse is easy to see. The damage done by the gas lighting really isn’t and it’s more prevalent because covert narcissists do the same thing.

Psychically this leaves the victim with the fear that they are the “bad one”; deficient in some way; unprofessional and to blame. A feeling that can take a very long time to move on from because of its nebulous nature.

Remember, the narcissist doesn’t ever stop to wonder if they are at fault. This is the chasm between the narcissist and others. Their sense of entitlement and lack of consciousness and self awareness. For them, it’s a given that the fault is someone else’s so if you are left doubting yourself, you are not the narcissist.

This kind of undermining of the victim creates problems though. Low self esteem. Anxiety. A tendency to over analyse or take on more responsibility in any given situation than is realistic. But worst I think is the sense of unreality. The  victim buys into the narcissist’s view and sacrifices their own and regaining that centering isn’t easy.

On a psychic level this is the real damage of the psychic attack. There are implications on all levels and spiritually it can cause all kinds of ambivalence as the mind swings from idea to idea seeking a truth.

Many clients and students come to me to begin healing this sense of ungroundedness. And energy healing, meditation and certain rituals can certainly help. But it is as if you leave the relationship or connection with an addiction. An addiction to a person or a habit of allowing them to think for you. And that can feel disorientating or terrifying by turns for a long time. It takes time to heal and the first step is acknowledging you are not imagining it.

The psychological damage caused is what we would call a psychic attack and because you’re juggling the other attacks you may not notice it happening.

But despite the nightmare of it, if you choose the right tools to help you through, you can gain great insight into yourself and a unique perspective of the world and of life.

It creates an opportunity where you have to start again because you can’t go back to a point before happened. Starting from scratch with experience and wisdom means you have access to a greater potential happiness than you had in the past. It won’t be easy! But I can personally vouch for the fact that energy work, meditation and magick can make it easier!

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Psychic Attack | Magickal Protection | Abuse & Manipulation | Karmic Reversal Spells | Narcissistic Personalities | Ego Projections & Negative Intentions

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The most requested spells and rituals I do for people are Reversal spells. By a long way this type of working (either as a preliminary preparation for other work or as a solution specific working), is what people need help with when they know that spiritually or psychically something is off…even if they’re not sure what it is.

Psychic attacks using black magick are extremely rare. But you need to consider what magick really is before understanding how it can help in other kinds of abuse where natural means don’t necessarily provide some levels of security.

Magick is defined as the art of causing change to occur in accordance with the will. So every act of will (conscious or unconscious) is an act of magick.

When we focus on an intention we begin to take actions and prepare ourselves for a desired situation or outcome to manifest and the Universe backs us up. When our higher will is engaged in seemingly mundane activities, we are reinforcing our intention with action and changes can occur more quickly because we are literally aligning ourselves with our goal.

This isn’t to do with good or evil…it’s more to do with aligning our actions and emotions with our thoughts and intentions. Magick is the way I do it but it does take training and commitment to learn. So I provide magickal services for others as part of my work. The opposite state would be a state of resistance, restriction and disparity. Anyone in that state would be a negative influence on others. Whether by their projected intentions (ego centred consciousness always looks outside for blame or cause), cruel actions, verbal abusive, emotional abuse or physical abuse.

With the outward projection of the ego centred person’s intentions, they are not just capable of psychic attack (abuse on a spiritual level), but they don’t have the self awareness nor the impulse control to prevent it.

This type of psychic attack is extremely common and often the victim questions the reality of it or tries to reason it away by thinking maybe if they were more professional, less sensitive, more confident…(etc)…they would feel differently. It can feel like an act of personal defeat to admit that we are being affected by someone spiritually. It means acknowledging a level of violation we haven’t acknowledged before. It can make a person feel powerless, paranoid and defeated. All of the things that can leave us more vulnerable to this kind of abuse.

Sometimes lifestyle or self esteem issues can mean we become attractive to people who are narcissistic. Times of change or emotional turmoil (a bereavement, change in job or house move), can leave us more vulnerable to the proffered “shoulder to cry on” and also mean we’re in a mental state where apparent encouragement and reassurances are taken “to heart” in ways we might not usually.

Narcissists often display extremely intense acts of apparent kindness, love or attention that a vulnerable person may be drawn to. It’s a phenomenon called “love bombing” and it’s actually a method of manipulation and control. It keeps the victim assured any misgivings they have are rooted in their own issues…not able to pinpoint exactly what feels “off”.

Once an element of control is established, the narcissistic personality requires validation and attention and conformity of the “victim”. The transition can be so subtle that unless you’re looking for it, you don’t notice it.

It’s perhaps worse when the narcissistic personality shows up in a scenario where acknowledging the problem is even more difficult – a work colleague, a client, a family member for example. Narcissists are always parasitic in nature and we may feel it on a spiritual level (intuitively), even while we believe that all is well on other levels.

A narcissist will tend to claim to have the best or worst of everything…childhood, health, luck etc. Their “story” will be compelling. They will usually describe themselves as a victim in some way. Their story may seem too good to be true or too bad to be true. But they lie as easily as they tell the truth and they’re generally pretty plausible. At first.

So the abuse begins right off the bat…manipulation is abuse. So whether they use lies or half truths to convince you of their story (often tailored to the victim by getting allowing you to talk enough about yourself they can tell you exactly what you want to hear). This is second nature to them. They learn to fake empathy by emulating others so they tend to get worse in the sense of being more manipulative or controlling over time. But better at doing it discreetly and fooling others.

Living a lie isn’t a consequence of their actions…for them it’s the method of getting what they need. They may project confidence and self assurance, but they are desparately needy. Craving external validation which they will pursue by any means necessary. It’s not a problem to them. They don’t have a conflicted need to balance their selfishness to assuage their conscience. They are very much stuck emotionally in the area of ego development – they may hide it well but inside it’s all turmoil, drama and obsession. And they feel entitled to have whatever they want. They are often intelligent and have a charming way about them, but scratch the surface and there is a sense of entitlement that trumps everyone else. They don’t have friends so much as pawns.

They are only interested in your interest in them…and how much of that they can acquire. Feeding their ego is like an addiction and they may be addicts for similar reasons. That’s not unusual but it is usually something you find out later.

One good way to assess whether someome is potentially a narcissist, is by repeating their story as they provide it so they are compelled to repeat it. Some may feel more confident because you’re showing an interest. Then deliberately misunderstand something with a statement “but you said you weren’t interested in….” – questionning them usually gives a glimpse of their true nature and anything they can perceive as criticism they will perceive as criticism. It’s likely they will expose a chink in their armour if you do this.

Other ways to do it is to pretend a third party would be critical of them rather than you. And see how they react. Criticism is never well received. At the very least they will seem “strangely” defensive or dismissive. If they think you are on their side and a third party isn’t you may get an insight into their attitude to people who might criticise them. Whether it’s their lifestyle, their past, the colour of their socks…the criticism test is revealing!

Another exposition method is easier later (the more involved you are with them, the more of a minefield their intolerance becomes) offering deliberate compliments and seeing how they react. They may go into an elaborate self effacement speech. They may take on a glow at the “win”.

In fact…look out for their tendency to offer speeches. It’s a tendency to prevent you interrupting. Which belies a tendency to decide what you can say and when.

If you’re dating one…this tendency is one of the weird things you may or may notice. If they think you are about to speak your own mind (rather than theirs), they may react with a kiss. One that ends the conversation. Even if you get the vibe something is up, it’s hard to admit to yourself that a kiss might have been an action of control – to literally shut you up. That seems crazy. Because they are crazy. And unfortunately, not in a way that will change or can be helped by therapy.

The safest way to not be stung by a narcissist is to never get involved. Unfortunately they are drawn to similar traits and some people end up feeling they’re magnets for this type. Literally watch your body language – they will be. If you naturally are a quiet person with a naturally shy or understated demeanour, they may assess at first sight that you’re possibly introverted, passive and insecure. An “easy mark”.

Not all narcissists present all the same red flags. But because their consciousness is so ego centred, they have similarities. And without fail are a negative and destructive influence with a potential for abusive behaviour that’s guaranteed.

There are so many variables in any situation. Any relationship or connection. And the Karmic bond formed with people we mix with, that magick can’t just erase the symptoms; it’s a case of removing the connection to prevent the problem recurring. In long term relationships this may take time because the narcissist will harbour hope they can change your mind and is unlikely to take no for an answer.

So, reversal spells work from the inside out; magick is a process of “reweaving” that makes it less likely the problem will return. A narcissist is waging their own personal psychic war because they project their intentions so fluently (like a kind of psychic incontinence similar). But the reweaving on a psychic level creates an environment that means they will tend to stop considering you a prospect. If it takes a few reversals, it’s because over a period of time their intention may undermine yours. But magick can be greatly empowering in protecting you and preventing their projected need. Which may be to keep you in their life as an enemy if they can’t keep you in it as a friend. It’s most important if using magick to resolve this kind of attack, you don’t allow them a foothold in your actions (no matter how they try to achieve that), because responding to them increases their influence on you and would restrict a successful disconnection to prevent continued harm or disharmony to manifest as part of their “campaign”.

So if you find yourself a victim, don’t become disheartened! Whatever practical steps you take can be supported with magick. It gives you a choice and empowers you to deal with the situation.

So you can see, the idea that someone’s doing black magick and attacking you is nonsensical! Trying to use magick in this way would be against the natural current; it would be like making water flow up hill!

But psychic attack is a common problem. It doesn’t involve someone performing black magick rituals or sticking pins in a voodoo doll or anything so elaborate. It can deliberate but also sometimes unconscious. And the more ego centred the perpetrator is, the more important it is to disconnect fully.

A Karmic Reversal spell is a safe and effective way of preventing the hindering influence of another or others from causing you any harm or restriction on an energetic level. It works from the subject out and simply put it dissolves any negative karmic bonds – reverses negative intentions, speeding up the karma if necessary for full resolution or simply dissolving negative connections if that’s more effective.

It’s really a way to bring harmony to your situation instead of deflecting or ignoring it. In many senses you can consider this kind of magick a healing process; healing by dissolving negativd energetic connections and allowing you to move forward.

You can find more information on how magick works on my website www.mayamagickal.net

Xxx

Psychic Attack | Abuse | Bullying | Energy Healing | Karmic Reversal | Protection Spells | Black Magick

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Bathtime Blogging with a Yoga Bath Bomb from Lush & sunset moodlights. Today’s blog…magick, psychic attack and protection.

The most requested spells and rituals I do for people are Reversal spells. By a long way this type of working (either as a preliminary preparation for other work or as a solution specific working), is what people need help with when they know that spiritually or psychically something is off…even if they’re not sure what it is.

Psychic attacks using black magick are extremely rare. But you need to consider what magick really is before understanding how it can help. Magick is defined as the art of causing change to occur in accordance with the will. So every act of will (conscious or unconscious) is an act of magick. When we focus on an intention we begin to take actions and prepare ourselves for a desired situation or outcome to manifest and the Universe backs us up. When our higher will is engaged in seemingly mundane activities, we are reinforcing our intention with action and changes can occur more quickly because we are literally aligning ourselves with our goal. This isn’t to do with good or evil…it’s more to do with aligning our actions and emotions with our thoughts and intentions. Magick is the way I do it but it does take training and commitment to learn. So I provide magickal services for others as part of my work.

Explaining how the will is aligned on all levels in order to create “magickal” change is a bit complex. There are so many variables in any situation that magick is a process of “reweaving”. But a simplified example might be, someone who wants to make more money. It would be kind of silly if they thought the way to do this was by gambling and using magick to give them better luck. They would really be sending the message by their actions that they want something for nothing. And that they won’t take an active role in achieving their goals. Whereas someone who genuinely aspired to improve their financial situation would look for jobs, do their accounts, perhaps study with a view to increasing their status in their existing job with the intention of earning money through promotion. The gambler may have success…but magick works with the individual and the gambler’s actions would be putting out the opposite message to his words: that he didn’t want change. This would mean any change that did manifest would be undermined by his own actions. And he may not even realise how his mindset was restricting him and ensuring he didn’t ever manifest the money he “thinks” he wants.

That’s important to remember. Magick always works. But it’s more effective, the results longer lasting and faster to manifest if the subject is serious about their goal and is aligned with the goal of their intention. Combining magick with practical action is clearly the most sensible approach. The biggest hindrance to spells…what may even undermine them…is the mindset of the subject of the spell. People say they want one thing but their actions reinforce the fact they want something else.

So you can see, the idea that someone’s doing black magick and attacking you is nonsensical – if there is no enemy within, no enemy without can exist! Trying to use magick in this way would be against the natural current; it would be like making water flow up hill!

But psychic attack is a common problem. It doesn’t involve someone performing black magick rituals or sticking pins in a voodoo doll or anything so elaborate. It can deliberate but also sometimes unconscious.

In previous blogs I have talked about Narcissistic Personality Disorders, Sociopathy, Psychopathy and Anti-Social Personalities. In common these traits mean a very ego centred motivation and sometimes a lack of self awareness. In common, these personality types have in common a tendency to blame external sources for their negative experiences. Some may be verbally abusive or physically abusive. Some will be pathological liars. Some will be very negative and draining. Others will be very intelligent manipulators. But in common they have a tendency to blame external circumstances or people for their any perceived problem. 

They carry grudges. They may actively “hate” and project negative intentions onto others. Or they may seem not to but you get a “vibe” from them. Such as the pathological martyr or saviour. They somehow can make any situation all about them without people noticing.

This is abusive behaviour – even if it can be unconscious. Though the effect of it in practical terms is undeniable and can be catastrophic. On a psychic level, it would considered no differently to using magick to manipulate another person against their will.  By mundane methods or negative intentions, people can perpetuate a psychic attack. They can be causing harm on a spiritual level and the victim often “feels” something is wrong but feels unable to identify the source and unable to resolve it. Magick can help to bring a proper solution to this kind of situation. As long as the subject of the spell genuinely wants this!

If someone is manipulating or abusing you, it’s often harder to perceive or accept when it’s not in an intimate relationship. In work situations or where a family member is causing the bad energy, it’s very easy for the “victim” to think it must be their own problem. That maybe they’re too sensitive. Maybe they’re not professional enough etc.

A Karmic Reversal spell is a safe and effective way of preventing the hindering influence of another or others from causing you any harm or restriction on an energetic level. It works from the subject out and simply put it dissolves any negative karmic bonds – reverses negative intentions, speeding up the karma if necessary for resolution or simply dissolving negative connections if that’s more effective. It isn’t fighting fire with fire. It’s really a way to bring resolution to the situation instead of deflecting or ignoring it. In many senses you can consider this kind of magick a healing kind – it’s healing an energy connection and allowing you to move forward.

You can find more information on how magick works on my website www.mayamagickal.net

Xxx

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Does Atypical Empathy Dispose One to Violence, Cruelty or Impulsivity? | Narcissism | Autism | Consciousness | Violence | Psychology | Philosophy | Wise Women | Witches | Hikikomori | Hermits | Mystics

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Bathtime blogging – continued pondering on the difference between ego based personalities and non-ego based…

It’s a curiosity to me that people with Narcissistic Personality Disorders…such as sociopathy and psychopathy, are described as of higher than average intelligence – as am I, as a higher functioning autistic. However, I find the explanation proposed as the root their tendency of narcissistic personality types to abusive or selfish behaviours doesn’t sit well with me.

It is proposed to be rooted in a physiological difference in the narcissistic brain which means their higher intellect usually comes with a deficiency in socialisation and that this is specifically expressed as a lack of empathy.

Why do I find this such an insufficient explanation? Because I am autistic. Specifically, I am Aspergers. My IQ is high. My need for social feedback is low and always has been. So why am I not a psychopath?

Autism is often undiagnosed in women because typically they learn to “fake it” better than men. Those are all sweeping generalisations of course but for the purpose of pondering are hopefully sufficient.

This apparent justification of a tendency to cruelty or violence due to a lack of the normal mechanism of empathy doesn’t make sense to me. It really doesn’t. If that was the underlying cause, autism would increase your risk of being psychopathic. But it doesn’t.

Also, after some self analysis, I can confirm that I do have empathy. But I think maybe I learnt it via more intellectual process than neurotypicals do.
I have never had a tendency to violence. I have always had very high principles and my family actually considered me an “authority” on moral issues from a very young age. I can work things out in a dispassionate way even while experiencing the emotions…somehow I experience them from a position of observation. The chances of me doing something impulsive or without self awareness are so remote as to be pretty much impossible for someone like me. So reacting to aggression with aggression doesn’t happen. It is a puzzle to me that some psychopaths can’t do this. And I think it’s rooted in emotional intelligence. It’s the point at which the autistic and the narcissist part ways.

I suppose my reputation as an “ice queen” comes from that seeming impassive view point. It could very look like I have no emotional reaction to emotional situations. Like there is a disconnect. But that’s only how it looks. I know how it feels and can describe it. That trademark autistic “blankness” doesn’t mean I have no empathy or no emotions…but it does mean I am less likely to act out or react impulsively.

It does mean by nature I am a bit of a shut in…a natural hermit. Some Hikikomori are high functioning autistics as well.

The tendency to emotional self reliance seems offensive to some people. But there have always been hermits. “Troubled geniuses”. In the past they were considered the spinsters, midwives, witch doctors, healers…they were sort of revered and feared.  But considered an important part of the human “tribe’; often as a bridge between the world and the metaphysical realith. We even consider witches to typically and traditionally be of this type. Same with mystics. In fact, I am so “normal” as the modern day hermit, I am nocturnal as well – something that was always attributed to people like me historically! Shamans, wild men, wise women, healers, counsellors…I decend “spiritually” from a long line of people who filled a similar place in society.

I tried to explain this to someone once…that my mind works in such an abstract way, that if I wanted to I could reason myself out of existence. That’s what hyper rationale is. It can sometimes look from the outside like people with autism act irrationally or think irrationally…in fact it’s the exact opposite and it can be a problem. Staying grounded is something I have to do consciously. I have to make normal stuff routine otherwise I might reason myself out of doing the things I need to do in order to only do things that use my brain!

I think most people with high functioning autism will naturally develop their own strategies for these things. I can’t spend my life studying and meditating but failing to eat or exercise or put the trash out. But my motivation for doing those things is probably very different to someone who is neurotypical. If I do my accounts properly and organise things properly, it means I don’t have to waste time thinking about things I think are mundane…things that seem “off my radar” in fact!

Anyway. Simply put, my mind works differently – but it’s not a disability to me – it’s more like an extra ability. My life is the way I like it. Those who know me understand me. Those who don’t are off my radar. Those who underestimate me or make assumptions about me tend to find me disturbing to be around!

But why would the increased intelligence, difference in empathy and social needs in Autism and Narcissism that are apparently similar, result in such different personality types?

All I can think is that the Narcissist perpetuates an immature emotional connection to their ego consciousness; they don’t mature emotionally the same way as others.

The Autistic doesn’t either. They seem to either move past it or never have it.

For my own part,  I have never rebelled…I never had tantrums…I never (even as a very small child) saw others as authority figures. The crazy independence was hard for my parents to deal with because it simply wasn’t possible to tell me what to do. Not because I was naughty…but because I really couldn’t be “corrected”.

When I think back, I think managing me would have been easier if they had approached me the way you approach training a dog! Because being told what to do or doing things without a reason or because the consequence was being told off weren’t deterrents to me!

I think Narcissistic personality types may seem to act similarly at times, but their motivation is so far alien to me, I don’t understand why they would be violent. It seems utterly nonsensical to me.

This has led me to conclude that perhaps the autistic spectrum and the narcissistic spectrum reflect the two sides of everyone’s mind. My autism puts me at one extreme…a psychopath is at the other end. I think maybe the less autistic you are, the more narcissistic you are. And there is a range we consider “normal” somewhere between the two.

More pondering required I think!

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Can a Narcissistic Mind Evolve a Conscience through Intellectualised Re-Framing of Life Experiences? | Consciousness | Narcissism | Higher Faculties | Love | Forgiveness | Judgement | Autism

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Bathtime Blogging…I am pondering a number of things at the moment. It began after my dad died…having aspergers seemed to allow me subjective and objective experience of his illness, his death, my own grief and the various ways of expressing grief that came to people around me that set me pondering…

Can a Narcissistic Mind Evolve a Conscience through Intellectualised Re-Framing of Life Experiences?

I don’t think anybody is better at life than others. All people are individual. Their potential is variable. So I don’t make observations to judge in any way, but literally as an observation. My asper brain intellectualises things and looks at the logic as if it’s a puzzle with a solution and not just a puzzle. So in articulating my considerations, I hope that they may set you pondering too!

The beginning of this train of thought was really initiated as I contemplated the different way in which I experience empathy as an Aspergirl compared to the experience of those around me. In the back of my mind was a concern that maybe I wouldn’t experience things “properly”.

When someone dies of cancer you get a warning. You take a journey with them. My dad had a very fast growing brain tumour. He lived 5 months after diagnosis. And that was WITH chemo slowing the tumour. The tumour was inoperable. It was the type that would have spread even if it could be slowed with radiotherapy and chemo. But even a non malignant brain tumour is fatal if it’s inoperable. So there was a journey of weeks for the diagnosis and then months of treatment. I am sure dad would have made the same decision about the chemo etc even if they had known it would only give him months…months instead of weeks. But even with a warning,  these things feel like they happen too quickly.

My dad had home hospice care and I saw him every day throughout. That was a good thing. I didn’t realise my mind was learning to accept the inevitable…I even wondered if my mind, specifically because of my autism, was able to accept it more easily because I couldn’t take any of it personally. And that’s where my questions began…would I experience death with my form of atypical empathy or was I at risk of being TOO rational.

I also considered perhaps my spiritual beliefs and the fact I could give healing to someone who was dying (Reiki and Violet Flame – both of which I teach through Mayastar). Did that give me a sense of being able to help someone to die peacefully, rather than react as if situation was all wrong and death was unnatural?

I continued to mull these things over. Looking at different personality types and considering their limitations, experiences and unique qualities.

I came away from this with the understanding that we all have a level of higher function (the ability to be objective and self aware), and we all have an ego. And both of these are present at different levels in different people…and they change over time. But how much can they change?

The ego doesn’t have the capacity for objectivity or self awareness. The ego really is the inner narcissist. It doesn’t develop emotionally beyond childish fears and tantrums. It demands external validation. And I think in people where one or other (subjective or objective mind) is dominant, they are “atypical”. Most people experience both to a degree and most people consciously continue to strive for a more objective understanding of their experiences as life goes on.

I think this shows up increasingly as people age. If they don’t move past their ego, they tend towards bitter. Sometimes almost paranoid. But generally they become antisocial as time goes on. In people we consider well adjusted, they balance this tendency to selfishness with an increased capacity for objective understanding – whether they pursue this consciously or it happens naturally probably depends on how balanced they were to begin with. These people seem to “mellow with age” and they are less likely to take on other people’s issues as personal or to consider life events as being “bad” or “wrong”. The exact opposite of the ego which takes everything personally.

Now, my autism may mean if anything I have a tendency to over rationalise – to the extent that some people find me kind of weird. Sometimes presenting a kind of blank slate. Often asking questions that some find intrusive. People who lie or who have a tend towards a narcissistic personality often take a dislike to people like me because we don’t provide them with the external validation or feedback they need. And we very well may ask them outright why their behaviour is as it is and they very well may not have the answers!

I don’t think you have to be autistic to run into this. Those people who persist in ego consciousness seem to “clash” with people a lot! They seem to ostracise themselves. Although I find this observation interesting, I find it hard to imagine how hard getting by in life must be if you are dependent on others to reinforce your sense of self…all the while feeling that you are entitled to that kind of attention. It’s almost like an addiction and I think the capacity of people whose ego is dominant (not to the extent of being classifiable as a narcissist but just more ego centred than the average person) must live on their nerves. Their capacity for experience of higher emotions like love; their capacity to forgive; their capacity for altruism; their capacity for feeling ok with themselves in many ways, is compromised. Their fear of not being accepted or of being judged is heightened. They may seem selfish and rude and arrogant…but scratch the surface and you find it’s all surface! The ego’s reasoned response to a question like “why do you feel a need to be rude to other people” is either going to begin “because they….” or “because I do”.

It’s led me to consider…without any answer…is it possible for a psychopath, sociopath or narcissist (all ego based personalities), to evolve beyond that selfish view point? To overcome the illusion of their own importance the ego insists upon? To develop a level of emotional maturity even without the normal capacity for empathy? Is it possible for a serial killer (as an extreme example), to feel true remorse? Genuinely and not just theoretically? (And I mean remorse…not regret!) Is it possible for extreme narcissistic personalities to learn to feel genuine remorse by reframing life experiences as an entirely intellectual process?

I really don’t know. But if you observe the reaction of people to serious life events…you can see they tend to swing between ego and higher function and find some balance. It’s normal for people to go through phases as they balance out.

I know there are people close to me who want to avenge me for things that have happened to me in the recent and distant past. They don’t think I should forgive. And sometimes I find it hard to explain…I haven’t forgiven in any real sense. Meaning, I haven’t set out to. But naturally over time have ceased to consider some things less and less important, until I naturally have “evolved” to a state of forgiveness. I think most people probably do this.

I personally can’t see the point of holding grudges against people I think are unworthy of them because I outgrew my connection to that person. They stayed as they were and I moved on. For me to blame them or be annoyed would be like being angry with a puppy for peeing on the new rug. It’s a puppy. I can’t reason with it “on a level”. And no matter how annoyed I am, it won’t make the puppy become human, apologise, clean the carpet and be like me. We can’t carry grudges or hold onto anger just because other people aren’t the same as us. Well, most of us would agree on that. The more narcissistic types probably wouldn’t. It’s very immature but the ego does think other people should be like we are otherwise any problems are their fault and they cause our problems. It sounds o absurd written down that I think evwn a narcissist would deny that train of thought. But their behaviour betrays them!

People who have caused me harm deliberately…abusive people and violent people; and one I would classify as a narcissist but could equally have a serious and untreated mood disorder. In fact the person in question claimed to have an undiagnosed mood disorder. But I think that was to justify their erratic behaviour or maybe even just to make themselves seem important! In fact their anger, compulsive lying and paranoia was classic for a narcissistic personality type and not for someone with clinical depression or bipolar disorder! They also claimed to be seeing a psychotherapist about their rage…and that was a verifiable lie. You can tell if a narcissist is lying by whether they are speaking or not!

Anyway, that is only my observation. I can’t diagnose those things and whatever their problem was, there’s nothing I can do about it and I wouldn’t be involved with someone like them. But because of their extremely strange and malicious behaviour, I do have to conclude that there’s no way I can take their issues personally; they have a problem. I can see how some people would find it hard not to take another person’s issues personally. Especially given the personal nature of some of the behaviour. So I can see that from the outside it looks so bad to other people that some feel there should be some kind of justice meted out…

I believe it is though. I don’t believe I need to be judge, jury or executioner for someone whose own personality is the bane of their existence. Karma is a component…but suffering from their own personality is also a punishment to them. They are their own worst enemies in many ways. Their lives are significantly diminished because of the way they think.

It may help that I can use magick in such situations to prevent being held back from sorting myself out by negative thoughts, intentions or actions. It’s such a common situation for the more emotionally mature that reversal spells form a very large part my ritual work for others (www.mayamagickal.net). I do consider that on a spiritual level, the destructive tendencies and negative intentions are akin to a intentional psychic attack and magick is a way to prevent you being caught up and unable to move forward. The immaturity of the ego leaves some volatile personality types with a kind of “emotional incontinence” that, I believe, causes harm and hindrance to victims of abusive relationships on an energetic level.

But after weighing up my personal experience and observations, the question remains after all my pondering: Can a narcissist learn to feel through an intellectualised process?

Perhaps my autism gives me a simplistic view and I am really not “getting it” – but it does seem to me that technically it should be possible. We all have two sides…and most people change as they become older and more experienced. Perhaps a lot of choices have to be made and perhaps we need an ideal to grow towards. So perhaps the narcissist falls at the first hurdle by not having the capacity to entertain an ideal! But, I still think technically it’s possible because we all have narcissistic qualities…and usually we do outgrow them. I’ve yet to observe a narcissist develop a conscience…but I do think technically it’s possible. Just very unlikely!

So endeth my bathtime blog of the day! Xxx

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