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Weight Loss & Health Life Hack ♡

One of the most depressing things if you keep fit and healthy and take regular exercise can be having to rest an injury.

Dancing ballet I have had many minor strains or danced safely through a toe fracture, headaches and period pains.

But I am a confessed Bunhead (ballet addict) and dance is a huge part of my life. I even incorporate this in to the spellwork I do for people through Maya Magickal (link below) and I consider my daily barre as essential as my daily meditation and energy healing work (see Mayastar link below) to maintain my health on all levels.

And one of the most depressing experiences I had was tearing a muscle. I couldn’t dance. I could only just walk! But I couldn’t point my foot. I couldn’t jump. I couldn’t stand on demi pointe (tip toes) and I had an exam due later that year. I was determined not to lose fitness during my injury so I worked out variations I could do. And worked on those things throughout (doing literally nothing can leave muscles weak and more prone to injury later – I was determined to avoid that).

But a further consideration was with the hours of dance I did each week (about 2 hours a day), I couldn’t do anything aerobic and my maintenance plan might maintain my muscles but it wouldn’t be burning the same number of calories and I would need to be aware of that because in six weeks I could so easily gain 10 or 15 pounds which could equally wreck my exam performance.

This was some years ago. But I just found out the most amazing life hack! Something that would have made my recovery so much easier and less of a worry!

Hot baths burn calories! Lying in a 40° bath for an hour burns the same calories as a half hour walk. 

I often finish a 3 hour dance class with a long bath and it never occurred to me it was like doing a 4 hour work out!

There will be a number of benefits a hot bath can’t give you that exercise does – development of cardio fitness and muscle, stronger bones, that endorphin rush….but in a pinch, it’s a good option. And a wonderful option for people who can’t exercise or have health complications.

Hot baths also have a beneficial effect on our blood sugar levels in a similar way to physical activity!

A win win situation. And an excuse for a trip to Lush and looooong Bubble Bath!

A Mindfulness Blog -Increase your Happiness, Health, Prosperity, Success, Meaningful Life, Abundance & Experience Wholeness by Mapping Your Life & Riding the Tides (Instructions Included!)


It’s around now I start taking stock of where I am and where I want to be and what I should be doing now to make sure I end up where I want to be.

I guess you consider it like a time of new year resolutions but for witches the last harvest (Samhain or Halloween) marks the end of the year and I personally tend to begin my considerations from my birthday on 14th September…and implement them between 1st November and the Winter Solstice (just before Christmas!). So my Christmas celebration is more focused on successfully completing a cycle and starting the new one well. I don’t celebrate the numeric new year – for me it doesn’t have any energetic significance.

It was thinking about that, that made me realise non pagans have their own rituals for Christmas, New Year, Halloween and Easter that aren’t so dissimilar to my own. And although it may be seasonal energies that determine my cycles and how I align my life to them to make use of the natural tides…solar and lunar…most people have their own pattern to life an acknowledge certain days and anniversaries…bank holidays and so on…which essentially map their year in a unique way.

I am sure many people make use of these and add their own to the main ones…personal days of rembrance or significance…and impersonal ones too…the end of the financial year, the deadline for submitting their tax return…all kinds of dates form part of your annual cycle blueprint. 

So anyone can use their own blueprint to include times of healing and cleansing, meditation, personal analysis, decision making, executing changes and hibernating. When the seasons change I tend to spend more time writing and reading and that’s the start of my “assessment” of the past year and the time I make note of changes to make and how I will make them.

It’s so much a part of my life that I don’t allocate time to it…it’s part of the natural flow of my life and it’s the acknowledgement of pagan fire festivals, solar and lunar tides over the last 28 years that has made it so much of my life.

On reflection I think it’s probably why I tend to be a high achiever…I tend to jettison time wasters or bad habits quickly and pay attention to what’s going on within and without myself, my life, my body and health, spiritual health and development and it really helps. There has never been a time I have seen a challenge in my life as insurmountable because my experience is that I roll with the punches in all areas of my life.

I would encourage other people to do similar…working into their own annual blue print. Start by writing down a list of significant dates or times in your personal year – birthdays and holidays as well…and then notice how the year is split into different parts…reflect on how what you do, enjoy and even eat changes seasonally and notice how changes coincide with different times on your blueprint. 

Then think about what you naturally do or feel at those times of the year and how you might use that tendency to really make the most of things. 

An example might be obvious that at the end of the financial year people decide about changes or developments to their business. In the summer they may feel more positive and use this time focus on their physical health and become more physically active. If you become bookish in the winter maybe choose the subject matter you’re going to focus on during that season and make a proper study of it.

Times that naturally lend themselves to family time like holidays and Christmas you might want to prepare for more mindfully and consider the real reasons you give and receive gifts and what you are celebrating. 

We can give meaning to our lives and actions simply by paying attention to what we do. And while I advocate meditation and energy work because that’s what I teach through Mayastar Academy Online Natural Healing & Spiritual Development, I do believe a great deal can be achieved in our personal, professional, spiritual and health simply by becoming more aware of these things.

Self awareness & Mindfulness are definite the keys to experiencing the Wholeness of life!

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Protection Spells | Reversal Spells | Love Spells | Black Magick | Karma

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Today’s bathtime blog taken from a client question regarding the karmic implications of protection spells…which relates to exorcism or reversals too as they have a similar structure.

Brought to you from a Yoga Bomb BathBomb from Lush hot bath…with red moodlights. Today extra long bath because I woke up with my head tipped back in my sleep. It’s a weird problem. If I sleep on my back I am fine. If I roll on my side I seem to tip my head back and wake up with a stiff neck. When I do, I now boycott my workout because I don’t want to risk injury.

I have considered sleeping in a neck corset (aka posture collar) to prevent me doing it. It’s such an irritation when I do it that I don’t think a posture collar would be a major hassle. It seems like a great idea. I wear corsets in bed (for rib contouring…also they help me relax as the hug emulation increases my oxytocin level. V handy if you’re autistic! Physiological differences in brain wiring means we make much less than neurotypicals and oxytocin counters stress hormones so tight lacing is actually good for my health!). But if I get a posture collar I definitely want one that’s made to fit properly and is breathable.

Pleased with myself for this new idea…wondering why I never thought of trying it before.

Anyway, for now a looong soak followed by a massage will work the kinks out!

So…my customer raised an interesting question. If a spell returns negative intentions/actions (which create negative karmic bonds) back to their source, is that karmically sound? It does on the surface allow an interpretation of “an eye for an eye”. But there is no intention to retailiate. The spell works from the client out rather than focusing on the other person/people. It’s not akin to a hex or attack. But there is a very important reason why we don’t just cut the links. The main one being they tend to get reinstated by the other person. If someone considers you an enemy and projects negative intentions towards you, the situation may persist until they resolve the karmic link from their end.

An extreme example…if you had stalker and to avoid the stress, you moved house thinking “out of sight out of mind”, it wouldn’t necessarily change their intentions. Restraining orders would be applicable of course. But on a magickal level, you can remove the bond from your side…but over time they will reestablish the bond because it’s their issue. The only real way to stop it would be to resolve the karma and that’s why the spell works the way it does.

It doesn’t create negative karma. The key is the spell dissolves and resolves any negative karmic bond. The resolution of karma is in line with Universal Law – can allow the 3rd party to realign with Universal Law and actually solve the problem rather than fire fighting.

It may be the person at the source needs to resolve it to move on and develop and if you detroy the Karmic bond entirely, their option to evolve beyond it might be interrupted. Denying them their Karma would create negative karma!

The spell is bound to work only in alignment with Universal Law…so we have to trust to the Universe to resolve or dissolve as appropriate. We can’t decide what’s best for the other person. But the Universe can be trusted. We are all united by Universal Law (Dharma) which is the evolution spiritually of all things. All people. All creation.

Protection spells and reversals are not used to retaliate. I wrote them to ensure they couldn’t be compromised in any way by our emotions or intentions. Emotionally if someone hits you, you may want to hit them back rather than just protect yourself. So the spells are written to make sure we don’t inadvertantly cause harm in the heat of the moment. But instead work to establish harmony from the inside out.

It’s down to the Universe whether a bond can be dissolved or needs to be returned for resolution. If we think otherwise, it’s the ego talking. The Higher Self seeks harmony and balance; alignment with Universal Law.

All my workings follow this philosophy. I don’t use black magick. And I have studied and practiced magick for nearly 28 years…I don’t claim to be an authority but I definitely understand now principles I didn’t understand as a teenager!

I won’t do spells on 3rd parties or without the recipient’s consent. No spell should ever be done without the focus of that spell knowing about it. It’s very important – not only Karmically…but a spell done without someone’s knowledge or consent is far less likely to have any lasting result!

Even a spell for healing, if done without the subject’s consent would be black magick regardless of the caster’s intention; it would mean manipulation of their free will and that’s the kind of magick that always carries karmic debt. They say the road to hell is paved with good intentions and magickally that’s something you need to know and understand.

Most black magick is carried out by amateurs in the “name of love” for what the mage/witch believes is a good intention. But the fact they consider they know best is testament to the fact it’s the ego calling the shots. Not the Higher Will.

A good test is, if you want to do a spell for a third party but you want to hide the fact from them, there can’t be a truly karmically sound intention.

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Healthy Hair Styling | Grunge Hair | Haircare | Beauty Tips | Natural Haircare | Bathtime | Up-do for Down-do | Pre-Raphaelite | Boho | Redhead | Curls | Waves | Big Hair

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This blog is for those who don’t want to use products or heat for styling but like that grunge hair, curly hair, big hair look. I recommend my own (pretty lazy but very versatile) haircare & styling tips!

I will intersperse with pix showing various ways of understating and overstating the updo part…and the different results. Sorry about the lighting variations etc – the photos are from selfies over a period of time that I chose because I thought they gave an overall view of the results. But they’re in no particular order so I’ve captioned them.
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As with any beauty tips it may not work the same way on other people as it does on me. So you may want to adapt it a bit – so I included my own adaptations because I use different methods on the same principle to create different styles I like.

My hair is currently shoulder length with long layers. But I used the same technique when it was tailbone length – that didn’t work so well the weight of my hair would pull it straighter at the top so I adapted my technique over time.
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I am growing it out now but it really is thick so I plan to keep long chunky layers as I do. I think for very long hair, sleeping in a very loose french plait would be a better option – or using a french plait starting at the nape of neck and working forward. Then fastening the front and twisting the rest around it. The longer it is, the easier it gets to vary your twisting results.
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I find if my hair is over frizzed from plaiting, over flat at the scalp from a tight bun or pony tail for dancing, or overly slippy after a deep condition with my regular henna & coconut oil treatment, it can work to take out some of the frizz or to add some volume while giving a bit of a root boost for big hair. But using no heat or hair products prevents damage and is easily adaped to a variety of  “don’t care” hair dos!
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If you want to try it to straiten it a bit, roll in big sections. If you want more curls and volume, use small rolls. For me, 3 rolls for a less voluminous hairstyle. 5 for a big hair grunge curl effect. For differences in volume experiment with tight twists and looser ones to see how your hair responds.
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It can be done with damp hair. It can be done while you sleep. Or you can make a hair of the day style by adding some accessories like the humble (but tres chic) hairstick for something that looks like a deliberate updo 🙂

Because my hair is very think and it takes styling easily so I don’t usually damp it because it would take longer to dry. If I’m having a hot bath the steam from the bath is enough moisture to style mine at its current length. Even if it’s slightly damp when I “unravel”, I can let the residual dampness dry naturally and create a suitable boho redhead to match my style!
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So first…work out where it’s comfortable to wear the weight of the bun. The crown is very flattering…but if you have a wall behind your bath, it won’t work well if you want a long soak!

So I keep mine forward or very high. And decorate with hairsticks, ribbons and scarves if I’m planning to wear it all day.
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But make sure it’s at a level that provides suitable weight distribution for you (to avoid pulling and discomfort) and then use scarves and accessories to create the illusion of the shape you want.

Decide if you want to damp your hair and if you do, it’s a trial and error experiment to work out how long it will take to dry fully.
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Also decide if you want to brush beforehand for neater waves and curls. Or leave it unbrushed before twisting for a more messy style – grunge waves and volume.

First, take a section from your fringe…it doesn’t need to be big but I use a bigger section there so that it creates large waves around my face. Whenever you make the first twist it needs to be the most stable as all the other twists will be worked around it.
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Twist the section until it’s twisting around itself and hold it in place with a scrunchie.

Then repeat this with the rest of your hair, winding each round the first and securing it with a scrunchie whenever needed.

When its finished, its a massive updo made up of hair and scrunchies. I use black and burgundy velvet scrunchies so they blend with my hair. It gives the illusion of a bigger updo.
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When finished…take your bath (the steam will help it set) or add accessories if you’re keeping it up for the day.

You can leave sections free on long hair that you can plait into a design over the waves afterwards too. Keeping decorative plaits around the hairline at the front is a good idea because you can use them as part of your down do later on 😀

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Anna Louise May (Maya) | Mystic Muse & Artist

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Psychic Development | Meditation | Magick | Spells | Clairvoyance | Initiation | LightBody Activation | Spiritual Growth | Intuition | Magick & Mysticism | Self-Realisation | The Great Work

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Bathtime Blogging…today green moodlights with a Guardian of the Forest BathBomb from Lush & listening to motown.

Ponderings of the day are around my work and questions people ask about magick…

Useful dark moon at the moment so this weekend’s been quite busy with reversal spells and similar. But the dark moon isn’t only for those kind of spells…

It’s a good time for magick focused developing psychic or magickal skills. A good time for spells to enhance sensitivity to subtle energy, for deep healing and initiation work.

Most people have some level of ability and certain talents will naturally occur as a person works on their spiritual development – often as a consequence of clearing hindering factors rather than consciously seeking growth. Magick is often more a process of “cutting the crap” – those restrictions and impediments that hold us back, than it is a process of development.  The intention of the person and their level of consciousness is very individual so there are no hard and fast rules. Everyone’s journey of Self-Realisation is unique.

In a very general way, as ego consciousness is replaced (or more accurately, integrated) our capacity for intuition and talents that can manifest as it increases, will grow. And when we accelerate the process consciously, it’s vital to maintain our objective consciousness of we are to truly make any real advances. Self awareness is vital in this process and journalling is a great way to maintain this. It’s considered usual for a mage or witch to keep a “magickal diary” or “Book of Shadows” and that’s not just an archaic tradition but an important tool in conscious development work.

Although we will all have tendencies to natural talents and magickal skills that become more powerful as we take the journey to Self-Realisation, it is possible to enhance them. It’s a case of working to develop the natural skill without creating any imbalance in the energy body. Imbalance is often what restricts attempts for spiritual development. So it’s something that can be assisted but can’t be forced. So you need to understand that you’re assisting a natural process, not trying to artificially harness a “supernatural” one.

One of the main hindering factors in the process of Magick (which is the journey to Self-Realisation) is created when people enter into a phase of “looking for results”…where they are looking for external validation of an internal process and get into a habit of not looking further than that. They msy lose perspective and though they may manifest some skills in (for example) psychic awareness or aura scanning, their energy becomes unbalanced because it’s not properly grounded and the ego is dominant in the consciousness. It may seem you’re making progress but then you hit a wall. And a change in your methods of development is needed.

These are phases that all people go through – they are part of a progressive journey. But at times where unbalanced development occurs, the block it creates can have unwanted side effects on other levels. Sometimes they can be hard to recognise until they are at a harmful level. And the ego tends to try to deny them as if they are a personal flaw.

Most commonly people notice they have developed a tendency to be oversensitive to the negative energies of others and think that’s a sign of their advanced intuition. It’s really not – it’s a sign of being ungrounded. But where ego consciousness has a loud voice, it can be a time where the aspirant really needs to study their motivations if they are to progress.

If an unbalanced energetic state is maintained for a prolonged period, the person may even experience physical health problems from deficient energy in some areas and too much in others. The process of journalling can be very useful in identifying these things. It’s important to take care not to pin all your health experiences (physical, mental, emotional or spiritual) on energy imbalance…sometimes it’s completely the other way round; a physical or emotional problem creating an imbalance on an energetic level. So any issues should be addressed on all levels.

Other symptoms that can manifest if there’s a lack of grounding are tendencies to overeat, over exercise, even to abuse alcohol or drugs – in an attempt to “ground”. Such strategies may even seem to work temporarily but they are not a solution. They will always become a hindering factor. It can mean you seem to take one step forward and two steps back every time you make a conscious effort to “advance” in spiritual or magickal sense. But don’t lose heart! This is a natural part of our development consciously – we learn by our mistakes essentially. But we only learn if we admit there’s a problem and seek a solution.

Understand, you will advance naturally. Growth, progreass and evolution are the natural order of things. Assisting the process isn’t the same as forcing the process before you’re equipped (mentally and emotionally) to do it safely.

There are some yogic techniques criticised for forcing the process and causing problems. Intensive meditation practices can seem to do the same. So keep writing it down. Condensing your experiences and intentions into words is an important tool and can prevent the pitfalls of those actively pursuing the magickal path.

There are a number of magickal and energy healing/meditation options I provide for people who find themselves – they can facilitate development, teach new techniques and assist you in your spiritual goals. It’s a very important part of my practice as both a Mystic and a Witch.

The Killing Moon Karmic Reversal 30 Day Ritual Intensive is an important option for releasing you from hindering elements. That’s why reversal workings in general are often useful even as a preliminary preparation for development work. The intensive is like a powerful healing in fact; helping to release you from those things that are impediments to your development. Often these may be attachments you have formed to situations or memories that you’ve actually outgrown but haven’t consciously accepted that so some element keeps you connected to them. Restrictive lifestyle habits or belief patterns can also be a big part of what we perceive as the hurdles that hold us back. As I said, often Magick is a process of “cutting the crap” and that’s why this particular working is so effective and important.

The LightBody Activation Initiation Intensive was designed specifically for rebalancing and allowing a full expression of your psychic skills – it also has a balancing effect and may manifest deep spiritual healing.

Combined with the Killing Moon Karmic Reversal I would recommend the Initiation Intensive as the most comprehensive solution.  But there are other options that can be very useful…

I would recommend anyone serious about the development of psychic or magickal skills to practice daily meditation and journalling as essential to maintain higher consciousness and objectivity. There are number of courses I would recommend for this: The Avalonian Trilogy, Kundalini Reiki and Elemental Pentagram courses are all good options – not just for maintaining balance; conscious actions align you more fully with your intentions and facilitate growth in ways that a passive “wishful thinking” doesn’t. Intention is all important but acting on your intentions resolves problems of inner conflict and makes the process more effective. You can’t get serious about using magick if you don’t want to be serious about your commitment to manifesting your higher will.

If you think a spell is a short cut, it w3ould only ever manifest as a “quick fix” with limited or short lived success, because your consciousness simply wasn’t in alignment with your intention. If you’re at odds with yourself, you pretty much undermine your own progress. So I say again…keep a journal. It’s an indispensable tool in maintaining your perspective.

The ego often makes demands for “power” or “control” that people misinterpret as a “calling”. And very simply, if your “success” or “satisfaction” is centred on the external validation of your intentions, they are not really intentions but base desires or demands originating from the ego. Ultimately they will hold you back – and at the same time may inflate your belief in your own proficiency, importance and sense of “power”. The illusion of ego based definitions is the biggest opponent to your higher will.

If you’re sure you’ve achieved balance and eliminated hindrances and that your intentions are motivated by your higher will, then the Goddess Aradia Tantric Shamanic Ritual with Divinity Assumption can be tailored as a personal initiation. It allows you to be consciously involved in the process of the ritual and to align more fully with your personal and spiritual goals. So it can be used to enhance the talents or skills you have.

The process is simple and available to anyone, whatever their proficiency. It’s also safe and I make the process as accessible as possible for serious seekers.

The Aradia working can even be specifically tailored to increase your ability in divination, energy work or clairvoyance – any expression of those natural skills that manifest as we develop spiritually. But a balanced base allows for a more powerful experience and more profound change. Hence my emphasis on Karmic Reversal. It levels the playing field so change manifests more quickly and fully and permanently.

A process of regular Tantric Shamanic Rituals with Divinity Assumption Channellings can be a great way to work towards your ascension goals.

Useful links with specific information about my recommended options are detailed below:

Killing Moon Karmic Reversal 30 Day Ritual Intensive

Maya Magickal Spells

Goddess Aradia Dance if Desire Tantric Shamanic Ritual with Divinity Assumption

Avalonian Alignment Energy Healing & Meditation

Online Kundalini Reiki Course

Elemental Pentagram Distance Learning Attunement Course

ALM (Maya) ♡

Anna Louise May (Maya) | Mystic Muse & Artist

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Does Atypical Empathy Dispose One to Violence, Cruelty or Impulsivity? | Narcissism | Autism | Consciousness | Violence | Psychology | Philosophy | Wise Women | Witches | Hikikomori | Hermits | Mystics

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Bathtime blogging – continued pondering on the difference between ego based personalities and non-ego based…

It’s a curiosity to me that people with Narcissistic Personality Disorders…such as sociopathy and psychopathy, are described as of higher than average intelligence – as am I, as a higher functioning autistic. However, I find the explanation proposed as the root their tendency of narcissistic personality types to abusive or selfish behaviours doesn’t sit well with me.

It is proposed to be rooted in a physiological difference in the narcissistic brain which means their higher intellect usually comes with a deficiency in socialisation and that this is specifically expressed as a lack of empathy.

Why do I find this such an insufficient explanation? Because I am autistic. Specifically, I am Aspergers. My IQ is high. My need for social feedback is low and always has been. So why am I not a psychopath?

Autism is often undiagnosed in women because typically they learn to “fake it” better than men. Those are all sweeping generalisations of course but for the purpose of pondering are hopefully sufficient.

This apparent justification of a tendency to cruelty or violence due to a lack of the normal mechanism of empathy doesn’t make sense to me. It really doesn’t. If that was the underlying cause, autism would increase your risk of being psychopathic. But it doesn’t.

Also, after some self analysis, I can confirm that I do have empathy. But I think maybe I learnt it via more intellectual process than neurotypicals do.
I have never had a tendency to violence. I have always had very high principles and my family actually considered me an “authority” on moral issues from a very young age. I can work things out in a dispassionate way even while experiencing the emotions…somehow I experience them from a position of observation. The chances of me doing something impulsive or without self awareness are so remote as to be pretty much impossible for someone like me. So reacting to aggression with aggression doesn’t happen. It is a puzzle to me that some psychopaths can’t do this. And I think it’s rooted in emotional intelligence. It’s the point at which the autistic and the narcissist part ways.

I suppose my reputation as an “ice queen” comes from that seeming impassive view point. It could very look like I have no emotional reaction to emotional situations. Like there is a disconnect. But that’s only how it looks. I know how it feels and can describe it. That trademark autistic “blankness” doesn’t mean I have no empathy or no emotions…but it does mean I am less likely to act out or react impulsively.

It does mean by nature I am a bit of a shut in…a natural hermit. Some Hikikomori are high functioning autistics as well.

The tendency to emotional self reliance seems offensive to some people. But there have always been hermits. “Troubled geniuses”. In the past they were considered the spinsters, midwives, witch doctors, healers…they were sort of revered and feared.  But considered an important part of the human “tribe’; often as a bridge between the world and the metaphysical realith. We even consider witches to typically and traditionally be of this type. Same with mystics. In fact, I am so “normal” as the modern day hermit, I am nocturnal as well – something that was always attributed to people like me historically! Shamans, wild men, wise women, healers, counsellors…I decend “spiritually” from a long line of people who filled a similar place in society.

I tried to explain this to someone once…that my mind works in such an abstract way, that if I wanted to I could reason myself out of existence. That’s what hyper rationale is. It can sometimes look from the outside like people with autism act irrationally or think irrationally…in fact it’s the exact opposite and it can be a problem. Staying grounded is something I have to do consciously. I have to make normal stuff routine otherwise I might reason myself out of doing the things I need to do in order to only do things that use my brain!

I think most people with high functioning autism will naturally develop their own strategies for these things. I can’t spend my life studying and meditating but failing to eat or exercise or put the trash out. But my motivation for doing those things is probably very different to someone who is neurotypical. If I do my accounts properly and organise things properly, it means I don’t have to waste time thinking about things I think are mundane…things that seem “off my radar” in fact!

Anyway. Simply put, my mind works differently – but it’s not a disability to me – it’s more like an extra ability. My life is the way I like it. Those who know me understand me. Those who don’t are off my radar. Those who underestimate me or make assumptions about me tend to find me disturbing to be around!

But why would the increased intelligence, difference in empathy and social needs in Autism and Narcissism that are apparently similar, result in such different personality types?

All I can think is that the Narcissist perpetuates an immature emotional connection to their ego consciousness; they don’t mature emotionally the same way as others.

The Autistic doesn’t either. They seem to either move past it or never have it.

For my own part,  I have never rebelled…I never had tantrums…I never (even as a very small child) saw others as authority figures. The crazy independence was hard for my parents to deal with because it simply wasn’t possible to tell me what to do. Not because I was naughty…but because I really couldn’t be “corrected”.

When I think back, I think managing me would have been easier if they had approached me the way you approach training a dog! Because being told what to do or doing things without a reason or because the consequence was being told off weren’t deterrents to me!

I think Narcissistic personality types may seem to act similarly at times, but their motivation is so far alien to me, I don’t understand why they would be violent. It seems utterly nonsensical to me.

This has led me to conclude that perhaps the autistic spectrum and the narcissistic spectrum reflect the two sides of everyone’s mind. My autism puts me at one extreme…a psychopath is at the other end. I think maybe the less autistic you are, the more narcissistic you are. And there is a range we consider “normal” somewhere between the two.

More pondering required I think!

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Can a Narcissistic Mind Evolve a Conscience through Intellectualised Re-Framing of Life Experiences? | Consciousness | Narcissism | Higher Faculties | Love | Forgiveness | Judgement | Autism

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Bathtime Blogging…I am pondering a number of things at the moment. It began after my dad died…having aspergers seemed to allow me subjective and objective experience of his illness, his death, my own grief and the various ways of expressing grief that came to people around me that set me pondering…

Can a Narcissistic Mind Evolve a Conscience through Intellectualised Re-Framing of Life Experiences?

I don’t think anybody is better at life than others. All people are individual. Their potential is variable. So I don’t make observations to judge in any way, but literally as an observation. My asper brain intellectualises things and looks at the logic as if it’s a puzzle with a solution and not just a puzzle. So in articulating my considerations, I hope that they may set you pondering too!

The beginning of this train of thought was really initiated as I contemplated the different way in which I experience empathy as an Aspergirl compared to the experience of those around me. In the back of my mind was a concern that maybe I wouldn’t experience things “properly”.

When someone dies of cancer you get a warning. You take a journey with them. My dad had a very fast growing brain tumour. He lived 5 months after diagnosis. And that was WITH chemo slowing the tumour. The tumour was inoperable. It was the type that would have spread even if it could be slowed with radiotherapy and chemo. But even a non malignant brain tumour is fatal if it’s inoperable. So there was a journey of weeks for the diagnosis and then months of treatment. I am sure dad would have made the same decision about the chemo etc even if they had known it would only give him months…months instead of weeks. But even with a warning,  these things feel like they happen too quickly.

My dad had home hospice care and I saw him every day throughout. That was a good thing. I didn’t realise my mind was learning to accept the inevitable…I even wondered if my mind, specifically because of my autism, was able to accept it more easily because I couldn’t take any of it personally. And that’s where my questions began…would I experience death with my form of atypical empathy or was I at risk of being TOO rational.

I also considered perhaps my spiritual beliefs and the fact I could give healing to someone who was dying (Reiki and Violet Flame – both of which I teach through Mayastar). Did that give me a sense of being able to help someone to die peacefully, rather than react as if situation was all wrong and death was unnatural?

I continued to mull these things over. Looking at different personality types and considering their limitations, experiences and unique qualities.

I came away from this with the understanding that we all have a level of higher function (the ability to be objective and self aware), and we all have an ego. And both of these are present at different levels in different people…and they change over time. But how much can they change?

The ego doesn’t have the capacity for objectivity or self awareness. The ego really is the inner narcissist. It doesn’t develop emotionally beyond childish fears and tantrums. It demands external validation. And I think in people where one or other (subjective or objective mind) is dominant, they are “atypical”. Most people experience both to a degree and most people consciously continue to strive for a more objective understanding of their experiences as life goes on.

I think this shows up increasingly as people age. If they don’t move past their ego, they tend towards bitter. Sometimes almost paranoid. But generally they become antisocial as time goes on. In people we consider well adjusted, they balance this tendency to selfishness with an increased capacity for objective understanding – whether they pursue this consciously or it happens naturally probably depends on how balanced they were to begin with. These people seem to “mellow with age” and they are less likely to take on other people’s issues as personal or to consider life events as being “bad” or “wrong”. The exact opposite of the ego which takes everything personally.

Now, my autism may mean if anything I have a tendency to over rationalise – to the extent that some people find me kind of weird. Sometimes presenting a kind of blank slate. Often asking questions that some find intrusive. People who lie or who have a tend towards a narcissistic personality often take a dislike to people like me because we don’t provide them with the external validation or feedback they need. And we very well may ask them outright why their behaviour is as it is and they very well may not have the answers!

I don’t think you have to be autistic to run into this. Those people who persist in ego consciousness seem to “clash” with people a lot! They seem to ostracise themselves. Although I find this observation interesting, I find it hard to imagine how hard getting by in life must be if you are dependent on others to reinforce your sense of self…all the while feeling that you are entitled to that kind of attention. It’s almost like an addiction and I think the capacity of people whose ego is dominant (not to the extent of being classifiable as a narcissist but just more ego centred than the average person) must live on their nerves. Their capacity for experience of higher emotions like love; their capacity to forgive; their capacity for altruism; their capacity for feeling ok with themselves in many ways, is compromised. Their fear of not being accepted or of being judged is heightened. They may seem selfish and rude and arrogant…but scratch the surface and you find it’s all surface! The ego’s reasoned response to a question like “why do you feel a need to be rude to other people” is either going to begin “because they….” or “because I do”.

It’s led me to consider…without any answer…is it possible for a psychopath, sociopath or narcissist (all ego based personalities), to evolve beyond that selfish view point? To overcome the illusion of their own importance the ego insists upon? To develop a level of emotional maturity even without the normal capacity for empathy? Is it possible for a serial killer (as an extreme example), to feel true remorse? Genuinely and not just theoretically? (And I mean remorse…not regret!) Is it possible for extreme narcissistic personalities to learn to feel genuine remorse by reframing life experiences as an entirely intellectual process?

I really don’t know. But if you observe the reaction of people to serious life events…you can see they tend to swing between ego and higher function and find some balance. It’s normal for people to go through phases as they balance out.

I know there are people close to me who want to avenge me for things that have happened to me in the recent and distant past. They don’t think I should forgive. And sometimes I find it hard to explain…I haven’t forgiven in any real sense. Meaning, I haven’t set out to. But naturally over time have ceased to consider some things less and less important, until I naturally have “evolved” to a state of forgiveness. I think most people probably do this.

I personally can’t see the point of holding grudges against people I think are unworthy of them because I outgrew my connection to that person. They stayed as they were and I moved on. For me to blame them or be annoyed would be like being angry with a puppy for peeing on the new rug. It’s a puppy. I can’t reason with it “on a level”. And no matter how annoyed I am, it won’t make the puppy become human, apologise, clean the carpet and be like me. We can’t carry grudges or hold onto anger just because other people aren’t the same as us. Well, most of us would agree on that. The more narcissistic types probably wouldn’t. It’s very immature but the ego does think other people should be like we are otherwise any problems are their fault and they cause our problems. It sounds o absurd written down that I think evwn a narcissist would deny that train of thought. But their behaviour betrays them!

People who have caused me harm deliberately…abusive people and violent people; and one I would classify as a narcissist but could equally have a serious and untreated mood disorder. In fact the person in question claimed to have an undiagnosed mood disorder. But I think that was to justify their erratic behaviour or maybe even just to make themselves seem important! In fact their anger, compulsive lying and paranoia was classic for a narcissistic personality type and not for someone with clinical depression or bipolar disorder! They also claimed to be seeing a psychotherapist about their rage…and that was a verifiable lie. You can tell if a narcissist is lying by whether they are speaking or not!

Anyway, that is only my observation. I can’t diagnose those things and whatever their problem was, there’s nothing I can do about it and I wouldn’t be involved with someone like them. But because of their extremely strange and malicious behaviour, I do have to conclude that there’s no way I can take their issues personally; they have a problem. I can see how some people would find it hard not to take another person’s issues personally. Especially given the personal nature of some of the behaviour. So I can see that from the outside it looks so bad to other people that some feel there should be some kind of justice meted out…

I believe it is though. I don’t believe I need to be judge, jury or executioner for someone whose own personality is the bane of their existence. Karma is a component…but suffering from their own personality is also a punishment to them. They are their own worst enemies in many ways. Their lives are significantly diminished because of the way they think.

It may help that I can use magick in such situations to prevent being held back from sorting myself out by negative thoughts, intentions or actions. It’s such a common situation for the more emotionally mature that reversal spells form a very large part my ritual work for others (www.mayamagickal.net). I do consider that on a spiritual level, the destructive tendencies and negative intentions are akin to a intentional psychic attack and magick is a way to prevent you being caught up and unable to move forward. The immaturity of the ego leaves some volatile personality types with a kind of “emotional incontinence” that, I believe, causes harm and hindrance to victims of abusive relationships on an energetic level.

But after weighing up my personal experience and observations, the question remains after all my pondering: Can a narcissist learn to feel through an intellectualised process?

Perhaps my autism gives me a simplistic view and I am really not “getting it” – but it does seem to me that technically it should be possible. We all have two sides…and most people change as they become older and more experienced. Perhaps a lot of choices have to be made and perhaps we need an ideal to grow towards. So perhaps the narcissist falls at the first hurdle by not having the capacity to entertain an ideal! But, I still think technically it’s possible because we all have narcissistic qualities…and usually we do outgrow them. I’ve yet to observe a narcissist develop a conscience…but I do think technically it’s possible. Just very unlikely!

So endeth my bathtime blog of the day! Xxx

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